Op-Ed
The Several Commandments
Email: 
Share: 
Tequila Sunrise
November 8, 2006 - 2:00amLo and Behold, he came down from The Hill, and he surveyed the Birkenstock-wearing, North Face-outfitted figures below. Some were worshipping a metallic object they called Keystone Light, of whose blood they drank. Others took unsecured TakeNote scriptures from tables in the library. Not a few sought fulfillment in the even-though-it’s 30-degrees-it’s-still-exposed flesh. And the man who came down from The Hill was heavy with grief.
“These commandments I bring unto you,” he roared. “So that your GPAs and dignities may be saved!” Hitching a breath, he took the two monolith on his hand, on which he had pasted crayola’d paper, and commenced to read.
Saving Seats
What precisely constitutes saving a seat? And where? This one’s actually too broad, so let’s narrow it down:
At the movies: Seinfeld did it. Let’s move on.
At the cafeteria: Thou shalt memorize the following guidelines. A seat leaning onto a table means that said seat is taken. If someone should reserve a seat in this manner, find friends, and leave the seat leaning and unclaimed in a cafeteria with more starving people than seats available, that someone shall heretofore be known as “douche.”
At the Café: Thou shalt not expect to lay down newspaper on a seat and assume it to be “saved.” Newspaper is flimsy, and people leave it behind all the time. In the absence of a coat, in order to save a seat, thou needest an actual book. The cutoff point, basically, is whether the pages are bound by covers. If they are, the seat is yours.
When to Leave After a Meal
If thou art almost-but-not-quite finished with your meal, and a buddy comes in with a full meal, you are obliged to sit with him until he is done. This, of course, unless you have a class, or unless that person hit on the girl you liked the night before. In that case, thou can spill thine unfinished Coke on the usurping pal. Thou wilst then, of course, meet him thereafter to engage in “benders.”
Opening Doors
Thou shalt hold doors open for people. If in a hurry, thou shalt at least throw door open as much as possible so that it lets the person behind you step in and catch it. It is never acceptable for someone to open door and then swing it shut, and perhaps breaking both the nose and self-esteem of the harried and unlucky fellow following behind.
Asking People What Grade They Got
Thou shalt not ask someone what grade they got on a prelim, especially if that person is weeping. If you got a bad grade, and the other person got a good one, you make them feel guilty. If you got a good grade, and the other person got a bad one, you, sir, are obnoxious. If you both got good grades, you both are obnoxious. If you both got bad grades, you should have enrolled in a different class.
Ordering at Ivy Room
Thou shalt not ask “What’s good today,” “what do you recommend” or “I can’t decide between smoked ham and baked ham.” This holds especially when it is one o’clock in the afternoon and a dozen people who haven’t had breakfast yet just want to have their sandwich in order not to pass out during their next class. Thou shalt also not pay for your bagel and cream cheese with a credit card if there are more than ten people behind you. Unless you also got something else, in which case, you’ll probably have to pay with a credit card.
Playing Beirut
Thou shalt not hold up the game. If thou must talk on your phone, thou must shoot while on your phone. If thou art flirting, thou may talk to her for 3 additional seconds for every additional point that she rates on the 1-10 hotness scale. After thirty seconds, however, thou will be shouted at to “Shoot, goddammit!”
Quarter-Carding
Thou shalt not.
Seriously. Thou shalt not, particularly when you are assaulting someone with a disintegrating sandwich in one hand, an overflowing drink in the other, with his cell phone jammed to one ear, holding a newspaper under the other arm, wondering how the hell he’s going to open his umbrella ’cause he’s getting really soaked and trying to figure out how to kick the person who keeps trying to jam an orange paper that says DDR Fiesta Bonanza-Extravaganza!!!! in between the ham and the cheese of the aforementioned sandwich.
Sidewalk Rules
Thou shalt not walk side-to-side with more people than the sidewalk can hold, particularly if you will be walking at a torpid speed. Those behind you have better things to do than to stare at your backsides and listen to your gossip. Also, when in danger of collision while approaching a person head-on. thou shalt both step to the right, if only to avoid the awkward fake-out deke-out two-step juke.
Thou shalt not get all self-righteous and uppity if, while doing the crossword whilst walking, thou art almost run over. Thou shalt also make up your mind and go when approaching an intersection at the same time that a car approaches it, and avoid the whole half-step stutter “Is he going? Am I going? Can I go if he doesn’t go? Who’s supposed to go? Shoot. I should have gone. Should I go now? Nope. Wait. Maybe. Nope. Screw it, I’m going. Woah! Jerk!”
And the man surveyed the valley and descended into it. Enveloped by the masses, he smiled, knowing that he had diminished the awkwardness that runs rampant through these neurotic, self-centered peoples. Then, when his good buddy who was on the basketball team patted him on the rump to say “well done” in that manner common to athletes, the man realized that his work was not yet done.
And he turned back to climb The Hill again.
Carlos Maycotte is The Sun’s Associate Editor. He can be contacted at cam98@cornell.edu. Tequila Sunrise appears Thursdays.