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From Four Eyes to Two

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I’d never really seen the inside of a shower before. Well, that’s not entirely accurate. I’d never really seen the inside of a shower with the water running. I’d worn glasses for sixteen years, been a four-eyes for almost as long and could not, as such, remember the last time I had not worn glasses. It probably was not even 1990 yet. And, as someone who never once wore contacts, the lack of glasses always meant a blurry, painful world where I tended to run into things and confuse mannequins with actual people. So now, sans glasses, I was actually able to see the inside of a shower while it was on. Ooh. Steam .. it’s sooo pretty.

I just got LASIK surgery about five weeks ago and, apparently, it’s a big deal. Coming back to campus has been a steady parade of the following. People ask me where my glasses are, I tell them that I got LASIK. They go ohmygodgetout and punch me in the arm. Or shove me in the chest. Or, on one unfortunate occasion, kick me in the testicles.

I figured people would say “cool,” shrug and turn back to their drinks. Apparently, however, everyone either really wants to get LASIK or is scared to death of it.

Since people seem to be fairly interested in this topic, I thought I’d compile a hand-dandy FAQ about LASIK. Consider, however, that I am no doctor, no matter how much I may like to play the role. Therefore, I will not be answering questions of what could go wrong, or what it is exactly that the doctors do, or anything medical/technical. There are two reasons for this. One, I don’t, to use the correct term, know jack about it. Two, I have enough lawsuits on my hands as it is already.

So, what does the inside of a shower look like? Surpisingly dirty.

During the surgery, do they knock you out? Nope. The anesthesia consists of two drops in your eyes. If you talk back, though, they club you.

How long does the surgery last? If you’ve taken the required medical tests, you can walk in and out of the hospital in an hour. If not, then two. If the receptionist is a pretty lady, it may take more.

What’s the procedure like? Well, I can only speak about my own experience, but it may vary for some people. To start with, they put drops in my eyes. They took me to a small operating room where I lay down on my back. They put this — and I believe this to be the medical term — “thing around my eye.” I still don’t know what the thing was. They fixed my eyelids so that I didn’t blink. They then cut open a flap in the top of my cornea. This makes you go blind for about ten or fifteen seconds.

What?! Yeah, it sucks and it’s terrifying. The doctor tells you things will go dark and they do. Soon thereafter, things fade back in, but things are pretty damn scary for the short period when the lights go out. Everyone takes eyesight for granted, but we really are blessed. Anyway, they opened a flap in the cornea so that they can go in with the laser and do their stuff. They go in with the laser, I focused on a red dot, and, after a minute or so, I was done. They closed the flap and then went for the other eye. Then I was done.

What’s it like when you get up? Blurry. For the first few hours the world looks like you’re in a sauna. It’s a bit disorienting. To put it another way, it looks like the end of Slope Day.

Are there scars in your eyes? I’m not sure you’d call them scars. But they do go red. Like Cyclops from the X-Men red. You can barely see the pupils.

It’s really cool.

Isn’t that scary? Yes. It’s great for getting kids to stop bothering you.

What’s the aftermath like? I couldn’t really see for a few hours. Then it got better, but I wasn’t able to read or go on the computer. By the next day, I was a lot better. It’s not at one hundred percent — not even now, almost six weeks later — but, by week three, it should be at around 80 percent. Your eyesight is better during the day than it is at night, better in well-lit spaces as opposed to dim rooms, and better for things that are far away as opposed to things that are close up. Eventually, though, everybody catches up. Your vision, in fact, may improve to 20/10.

Is there anything annoying about the aftermath? A few things. Since they opened a flap on your cornea, and then closed it, there’s scarring on your eye. You can’t see it, but you’re going to be a little sensitive to the cold and to wind and to smoke. In fact, you also have to wear wrap-around sunglasses for a couple of weeks when you go outside. But you can pull it off by pretending you’re a movie star, like I did. Also, you have to use eyedrops pretty constantly, which gets a bit annoying. But you live with it.

Do you miss the glasses? A bit. I wore them every day for fifteen years, and I still reach for the nightstand every morning.

Would you recommend it? Wholeheartedly. It’s great to walk into Rulloff’s and not have your glasses fog up. Because then you have to take them off. And then you can’t see. And then your friends get pissed because you walk right past them and you don’t say hello. And then everyone laughs because you sit on Paul Testa thinking he was a stool.

Why are the police outside? Oh, there are so many reasons.

Carlos Maycotte is The Sun Associate Editor. He can be reached at cam98@cornell.edu. Tequila Sunrise appears every Thursday.

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