Op-Ed
Valentine's Day: Flowers or Chocolate?
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Vs.
Heartless, Not Stupid
.jpg "Heartless, Not Stupid")
My girlfriend is going to be angry at me come Valentine’s Day. For what? I don’t really know.
It could be because I have yet to tell her that I am working tonight instead of taking her out to dinner, a movie or anything slightly romantic.
Maybe she’s angry because I borrowed money from her to buy the gifts I will present on February 15; I mean, that’s when all those special holiday presents go on sale anyway. She could be mad because she doesn’t consider tickets to a Monster Truck Rally and a bottle of whiskey appropriate Valentine’s Day gifts.
She might be upset with me because I informed The Sun’s dedicated readers of my Valentine’s Day misdeeds before I even considered telling her face-to-face. It is, after all, best to avoid confrontation. But confrontation will come as soon as she reads this … or when her friends — they are really annoying, by the way … just awful — classmates or Olin Café gossipers tell her about my column. And when that inevitable confrontation comes, fellas, you had better be prepared.
“But Billy,” you may ask, “how does one prepare for a fight like that?”
Let’s rewind.
If you are actually reading this edition of “Versus,” you, like me, are probably a bad boyfriend who waited until the last minute to buy that special (read: crazy, bossy, eccentric) girl in your life a gift. And the solution, my irresponsible and inconsiderate friends, is flowers.
I don’t know much about girls, young ladies or the female gender in general. What I do know, however, is that flowers, for whatever reason, can quell the stormiest waters of a relationship in a way that chocolates never could. Think about this: Our troops over in Iraq dole out chocolate bars to children one day only to find themselves facing suicide bombers the next. Chocolate is obviously not getting the job done.
Flowers, on the other hand, are a symbol of peace. Back in the 60’s, flowers were used to discourage fighting in Vietnam. We withdrew our troops, of course, and in the slaughter, oppression and genocide that ensued, it became apparent that people forgot to give flowers to the North Vietnamese and Cambodian regimes.
If flowers were that useful in ending a war, they should definitely be effective at pacifying an angry Valentine. As Inna Kuvich ’08, one of the more sane girls I know, pointed out: “I find it hard to stay mad at a guy if he gives me flowers.” Relationship counseling is a thing of the past. Guys, if you are genuinely interested in salvaging any relationship, do not consult a supposed relationship expert: consult a florist.
If you think chocolate is what your special someone is craving this Valentine’s Day, you have another thing coming. As Stephanie Xethalis ’07 pointed out, “flowers don’t give you bad skin or make you fat … but chocolate does.”
That’s right fellas, if you buy a girl chocolates, you are also obligated to buy her skin cream, diet pills, a gym membership and a Dr. Phil book about loving yourself. I mean, she would probably be more appreciative if you sent her “Justin Timberlake’s d*** in a box” as a free Facebook gift.
Chocolates could very well start a fight. If you notice your female counterpart slightly more edgy and easily annoyed, it’s because you gave her chocolates. Ms. Kuvich informed me that “it’s hard to pick out the right kind of chocolate.” Getting your Valentine chocolate can be a risky choice, and if you choose wrong, get ready for the doghouse.
If you thought you could avoid the pressure of picking out that perfect kind of chocolate by getting an assorted box, you thought wrong. Ms. Kuvich will tell you that “no one likes the assorted boxes.” If you buy your Valentine chocolates, she will most likely not be pleased with them. You’ll have to buy her flowers anyway just to make sure she doesn’t stay mad at you indefinitely.
The major difference between chocolate and flowers is in the message. Chocolate is for someone you like; flowers are for someone you care about. And there are plenty of examples from — where else? — the political world.
Former president Bill Clinton gave Hillary the flowers and saved the chocolates for Monica Lewinsky (if you couldn’t tell). Sadly, the only consolation prize Bill gave Paula Jones was sexual assault. Mark Foley gave chocolates to his wife and flowers to his male pages.
The list goes on and on.
Flowers have a universal appeal that chocolates simply lack. If you are dating a Marxist, chocolate will make her mad because Hershey’s exploited third-world workers to make it. You can score major points by claiming you picked the flowers yourself so as not to contribute to the capitalist system.
If your Valentine happens to be unattractive, flowers are definitely the answer: They will make her feel beautiful. (You never feed a dog chocolate).
If your date this Valentine’s Day was Anna Nicole Smith, you would never send her chocolates; they would violate her Trim Spa diet. And even if she did want them, ask yourself: Have you ever seen a tombstone covered in chocolate? What cruel son of a gun would send chocolates to a grieving family?
In conclusion, I would just like to apologize to my girlfriend for writing this column.
Kaitlin, if you haven’t stopped reading this yet: Happy Valentines Day. If you did stop reading and are currently on your way to kill me … I have flowers waiting.
Billy McMorris is a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be contacted at wjm27@cornell.edu. John Manetta Once Told Me appears alternate Wednesdays.
Chocolate doesn't give you
Chocolate doesn't give you bad skin and in fact chocolate, especially dark chocolate, is extremely healthy. Chocolate contains cocoa phenols and antioxidents which lower blood preasure and protect against heart disease. Many girls would much rather have chocolate than flowers, including myself. Not to mention you completely left out many other gifts like stuffed animals. A lot of girls would rather have a stuffed animal, which is permanent, than flowers which will soon die or chocolate which will be eaten.