So I’m sitting on a bench outside of Trillium, minding my own business, when this couple sits down next to me. I knew they were a couple because they were holding hands, and because the girl kept twisting her hair around her fingers the way girls do only when they are in the company of their boyfriends. I decide to just turn up the volume on my iPod and focus on my copy of The Sun, until my latte gets bumped into by an elbow and spills on the article I am reading.

“Hey!” I say as I take the earphones out of my ears and turn toward the couple. Of course, neither of them notices and they continue with their make-out/groping session on the bench next to me as if I am just another part of the scenery. Great.

I’ve never really been a major fan of Public Displays of Affection, better known as PDA. Sure, I can tolerate the occasional sighting of hand-holding or even having to watch a sloppy make-out session if I’m drunk enough. But, I’m generally not too fond of anything that keeps me from enjoying a good (read: charcoal-tasting, but sufficiently caffeinated) latte.

I suppose, to be fair, before I go condemning PDA altogether, I should at least consider some plausible explanations for such blatantly inappropriate behavior. I have to wonder, as for the couple on the bench next to me, why is it that the worst perpetrators of PDA seem oblivious to their offense?

One explanation is that couples are just so in love that all they can think about is touching each other and they can’t bear not to no matter where they are. Although some might believe that explanation, I, personally, wouldn’t buy it even if it were on sale and came with a free iTune. There are, admittedly, some excuses that I consider to be a bit more palatable. For example, sometimes “getting a room” just isn’t an option and if there’s a bathroom stall or, hey, a dance floor nearby, why wait? Also, many people simply enjoy the idea of being watched or getting caught in the act. Fear is a powerful aphrodisiac and the thought of someone walking in may just be enough incentive to do it in a place where that’s a definite possibility.

However, I doubt that every couple who engages in PDA is trying to heat up their sex lives by getting caught in the act. No, there must be some more plausible explanation as to why so many couples choose to move their intimate behavior into such less intimate settings.

To me, the most reasonable explanation for why some couples feel the need to parade their “love” like rappers flaunt their bling is that they need validation. What better way could there be to calm your relationship jitters than to show off to the world? Lots of people are insecure and, if they can prove their relationship to others by groping each other in public, they will. It’s the same reason people rush to put, “In a Relationship” up on Facebook as soon as they possibly can.

Even with an understanding of the reasons for PDA, it’s sometimes hard to watch without pulling a Christine Taylor in Dodgeball and throwing up in your mouth just a little bit. There has been much debate over which kinds of PDA are appropriate and which aren’t because appropriateness is so dependent on situational circumstances.

The receptiveness of onlookers to PDA can depend on where it’s happening, what exactly the people are doing, who they are, and, of course, the relationship status of their audience. If I am, for example, in a park and I see two people I’ve never met before holding hands and I am conveniently in a happy and functioning relationship of my own, the view of the couple might be mildly enjoyable. However, put me in front of CTP at night next to a couple rubbing up against each other, make that couple two people I’ve known since preschool, and make me single and cynical (not an uncommon combination), and the situation seems downright disgusting.

The reason that PDA affects singles and people in dysfunctional (read: normal) relationships more so than those in “healthy” relationships is that it inspires envy. When you see two people who, to the naked eye (no pun intended), seem literally inseparable, it makes you wonder why you don’t inspire such lust in your own partner, or — even more depressing — anyone.

For those readers who fall into this fretful category, it may be comforting to note that there is little correlation between a hot public sex life and a hot private one. Excessive PDA is generally a form of overcompensation, and it’s highly unlikely that everyone you see can muster the same heat in private. To those of you who practice PDA and just scoffed, for the sake of those less fortunate few around you, please realize that discretion is key.

And, try to remember that, if you’ve got it, it’s not actually necessary to flaunt it.

Nikki Nussbaum is a sophomore in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. She can be contacted at opinion@cornellsun.com. Cornell Unzipped appears alternate Tuesdays.