Op-Ed
El Presidente Numero 1
Email: 
Share: 
Tequila Sunrise
March 8, 2007 - 12:38amThank you. Thank you.
Seriously. Thank you so much.
OK.
Thank you for that wonderful ovation. Yes, both of you. Thank you.
It is with great pride that I announce today, on the eight day of March in the year of our Lord Two Thousand and Seven, that I will be running in next year’s El Presidente race.
I want to be el presidente of the Estados Unidos de America. Or, as we all like to call it, America.
I know you have all been expecting this. Even though I am Mexican-born and still technically a Mexican citizen, even though I am not yet 35 years-old, even though I do not have even an iota of experience, even though there are these little, insignificant, technically unconstitutional details, I believe, in my heart and mind, that I will make the best damn president this country has ever seen.
Sun Podcast: A podcast is available for this column. Click here to listen to or to download it.
I aim to do a good enough job that you all will say, “Wow. This guy is great. Can we give him a crown? I want to give him a crown. Let’s give him a crown.”
Humbly I say to you today, I will proudly wear that crown.
There is one big elephant in the room, of course. And I aim to address it.
Yes, I am Mexican. Yes, I do have a certain overwhelming affection for the country on whose soil I was born. Yes, it is weird that I’m not running for president of that country. But I’ll talk about this later.
But I just want to assure every soul present here today that in no way will my alien status taint or color the palette of my presidency. There is no bias here, and I will make every decision according to what lies in the best interests of this country and its citizens.
That said, there will be some whole scale changes.
Just to prove that there are no ulterior motives to my attempt at the presidency of this country, we will start purging Spanish from our lexicon. Las Vegas will be henceforth known as The Vegas. New Mexico will be fused with Arizona. Buenos Dias will be G’day, Mate. And Tequila will be referred to as the nectar of the gods.
Anyone caught speaking Spanish will be summarily dispatched to Reamericanization camps, where filling their hearts and minds with truth, justice and the American way will ensure their compliance with all that makes this fine country good and strong and free.
We just can’t afford to take that chance. Pat Robertson, a wise man and our future counsel on immigration, warns us of an impending war in California, where massive armies of Mexicans are assembling in order to regain what they call “Occupied Mexico.” It is at times like these where I really wish we had a general like the one who rid us of the Native Americans. We must, however, not fear these Mexicans. In fact, I propose an alternate solution.
We will absorb Mexico. I ain’t going to lie to you. Mexico is mucho fun. Hell, anyone who has ever been to a cockfight in Tijuana knows that it’s a great place to visit without the wife and kids. Mexico will be much as it is now, our lawless resort and a superior spring break destination. What happens there will, as always, stay there. Unless it’s an ST … never mind. In any case, the addition of Mexico and its beautiful people will take this country from awesome to man, I really want to live there. It will also assuage the Mexican hordes that Robertson so fears. And it explains also why I’m not running for president of Mexico. I’m running for president ofboth.
I also want to emphasize that this plan will also solve all our problems at the border. Our border with Mexico is now 2,000 miles long. Our border with Guatemala would be 600 miles long. Now, I’m a sports fan, and it’s a lot easier to score when you are shooting at a soccer goal than when you are shooting at a hockey goal. The border, smaller, will therefore be easier to secure. It’s a scientific fact, and simple physics. Told you I was smart.
There’s a lot to be done in this country and we must not fear the daunting task of cleaning up. I will use this analogy, because I’m still in college. America, like college, is awesome. And it’s awesome because you are able to throw awesome parties. But have you ever seen what it looks like after you throw a party? There are cans littering the room, puddles of beer are everywhere, you don’t really want to go into the laundry room, the police are outside, there’s Chinese food on the ceiling and Weitz is huddled in a fetal position with marker on his face. And then your buddy tells you that some girl puked in your bed. That’s what America looks like right now. Like a frat basement after a rager.
But I’m here to tell you all that I am putting on Latex gloves and squeezing into rubber boots. I’m rolling up my sleeves and double-bagging those black garbage bags. And, can through pain-staking can, I aim to clean it up. Clean all of it up. I am going to get down and dirty until you can eat off that floor. Because my mom is coming tomorrow. And if she sees me living like this, she’s bringing me back to Mexico and locking me in my room. For good.
And we can’t have that. It’d be a tremendous loss to everyone. Because no one will pick up those cans like I will. No one will use the Bounty towels to their maximum efficiency. No one will use the entire bottle of Windex to clean the table. And nobody will hide the dead bodies like I will. Because I’ve done it all before. And, so help me, I’ll do it for you all now. There is a new mañana coming, folks. And it will be glorious.
Carlos Maycotte is The Sun’s former Associate Editor. He can be contacted at cam98@cornell.edu. Tequila Sunrise appears Thursdays.