When I was teeny, I’d wake up on Saturday mornings to find my older brother already parked in front of the TV watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I’d pour myself some cereal and sit down next to him, scowling as I chewed my Trix for the duration of the episode. I would have changed the channel if I hadn’t learned my lesson that time I unplugged his Super Nintendo and he tore the heads off of all my Barbies and threw them in the pool. I yearned to watch something with bright colors (ever notice how dark and dreary the colors in the TMNT series are?) and a female character that was slightly less lame than the mom-jean-clad, tragically-permed April. I figured I might just have to wait for the major networks to find out I was a superhero myself so they could make a show about me.

But when I turned seven, my prayers were answered. A terrific show premiered featuring five “teenagers with attitude” recruited to save the world from the evil Rita Repulsa, who, by the way, is perhaps the most underrated and overlooked villain in television history. Not only does her name sound like something I would secretly call the angry unshowered girl that sits near me in spa management class, but she actually looks like one of those drag queens that impersonates celebrities (Madonna, in Rita’s case). Absolutely brilliant. The colors on this TV show were bright, the monsters were completely absurd and wonderful and Zordon was basically the Wizard of Oz on a budget. The best thing of all? Two of the main characters were girls who spent most of their time kicking ass.

Much like the Saved by the Bell posse, the original Mighty Morphin Power Rangers were a group of five high-schoolers who would never, ever associate with each other in real life, but it worked beautifully for entertainment purposes. There was Kimberly Hart, the supposedly pretty (though I maintain she looks like a piranha) popular girl who kicked the crap out of those hilarious foam monster-people using gymnastics. Her Pink Ranger costume had a skirt over the legging-like pants, making her one of the proponents of the terrible miniskirt over leggings trend still plaguing our society today — but honestly, I think it was just to hide the camel toe that the spandex one-piece probably caused. The Yellow Ranger, Trini, was a softspoken Asian-American smart chick who I personally idolized because I thought she was a hell of a lot cooler and smarter than Kim. Her best friend was the dorky Blue Ranger, Billy, who had some self-esteem issues and was afraid of fish; I’m not sure what else to say about him because he always puzzled me. Black Ranger Zack fused martial arts and hip-hop in a way that always reminded me of the opening sequence of Fresh Prince, which is just awesome. Finally, we had the hunky Jason. Hunky Jason was the Zach Morris of MMPR. I’d say this is a pretty solid group of characters. In fact, I’d probably be friends with all of them if they went to Cornell. I’d take that extra shot of tequila and trust any of them to watch my back. Honestly, I’d rather have the fate of the world in Jack Bauer’s hands, but these five would come in a close second.

Now, a point of contention has always been the costume choices (the Asian girl wore yellow, the African American dude wore black), but I’m sure there was nothing particularly politically incorrect about this show. I mean, perhaps yellow was most flattering to Trini’s skin tone and the Black Ranger chose black because it was slimming. Hell, anyone with any common sense would choose a black spandex suit over a white one.

Since I mentioned that I’d probably be friends with the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers if they were Cornell students, let’s discuss the Turtles. Michelangelo, were he a non-turtle, would probably be that guy you’d find sitting at CTP on Thursday nights at 3 a.m. devouring slice after slice while furiously scrawling overused catch phrases like “… that’s what she said” next to choice messages on the walls. This would happen frequently, as he’d find this hilarious every single time. Sharing a cozy CTP four-top with him would be Raphael, an angsty dude with serious anger management issues that nobody seems to ever address (probably due to fear of him flipping out and killing everyone), and Donatello, his shifty yet occasionally charming dorky engineer friend. At the counter picking up the tab for his embarrassing posse would be Leonardo, the non-threatening frat president who turns people in for breaches of academic integrity and has “mama’s boy” written all over him.

And when they’re done at CTP, they will head home. To a sewer.

Now, not only do these four characters embody the four least dateable men on the planet, I would probably not even want to meet them, much less be friends with them. So, Cornell students, ask yourselves this: would you rather leave the fate of the world in the hands of a girl with enough sense to wear a skirt over her leggings so she doesn’t expose her camel toe, or in the hands of four dudes who take their advice from a giant rat?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Jenna Bromberg is a junior in the School of Hotel Administration. She can be contactd at jkb34@cornell.edu. Fast Times at Statler High appears alternate Fridays.