I never thought it would happen to me. Not in my wildest dreams. I thought she and I would be together forever; I thought she would always be my boo; I thought we would grow old and gray, get all our organs replaced, get cynical and walk really slowly … together. I thought we would have endless nights of passion and baby-making. Like a flower leaning toward the sun, I turned to her.

She was beautiful. I called her my little poop. Yes. That beautiful.

And now she’s gone. My heart aches; my bones cry out in vain; Aphrodite hides her head in shame and sorrow!

But, Cornellians, she is no girl.

And she is no guy. No. Alas, she is not human. She is an it. And it … is my coat.

Yes, my coat. Someone stole it at a crush party at DTD on March 9. Gah! Oh my God! Sweet Helen of Troy! Who would commit such a deed — such a heinous crime? Who would violate that most central norm of all human society? You know, that thing that allows us brutish men to live side by side — being nice! What happened to that? Did I miss the announcement? You know, when some official got on the loudspeaker and said in a deep voice, “Attention humanity. There is a gray Nissan Maxima, license plate MX876 parked illegally. Please move your car. Also, you don’t have to be nice anymore.” That announcement — where was I when they made that?

But alas, a cynical rant will not get me anywhere. Mr. Coat-stealer, I mean no offense. I bet you are really nice and awesome.

But I still want the coat back. It’s a pretty simple order — black wool, gray hat in the pocket. Let me quote a discredited but persistent man: “Make no mistake. We’re gonna smoke ’em out.” Guess who that was? Still guessing? 10 seconds. Put your finger on your nose when you’re ready. Alright, time’s up. George W. Bush! A straight-talker so straight that he talks almost as straight as Sun columnist Mark P. Coombs ’08 does. The point is that, Mr. Coat-stealer, you should really give it back, or you just might get the Marines all up in your grill. This is an executive order! I was on the executive board once, of my United Synagogue Youth chapter … so, yeah!

But alas, I ought not let the president do my talking. Let us talk face to face, sir. But in the newspaper.

Hi. I’m Jeremy. I’m a sophomore in Arts and Sciences, and I love music, ideas and black wool coats. What else can I tell you? I had a psych prelim yesterday. It was hard. I have a Last Call concert tomorrow. It’s going to rock. I have a brother. He gave me the black wool coat. I really, really love hummus.

What about you? What do you do? Are you a YouTube addict, a coke addict, a coke addict, a lover, a hater? A true player? What do you love? Who invited you to the crush party? Are you in a frat? Are you older than me?

One thing I know is that you don’t know me. Maybe, then, you suppose giving back the coat doesn’t matter, because if you don’t know the man, then the man doesn’t matter.

Were you drunk when you took my coat? Have you sobered up? You didn’t puke on it, did you? If you did, don’t even worry about the dry cleaning – I’ll take care of it. I know a place. They use environmentally safe dry-cleaning stuff. Maybe if we become friends after this, you and I can join together and figure out what the hell that means. Do you speak Mandarin by any chance?

You’re not answering!

Wait a minute. Maybe you didn’t mean to steal the coat. Maybe you just didn’t think to call the sorority that hosted the crush party. Maybe we’re actually much alike. Maybe you’re lazy and inefficient like me. Cool! I have to admit, I borrowed a little white-out thing from my friend Eric last year; now he’s abroad in Scotland, and I never gave it back. Now, you must understand, this white-out was terrible! It really didn’t work. That’s a fair rationalization, right? Rationalizing is universal I guess. I guess we all make mistakes, and then rationalize away. Personally, I haven’t saved Darfur yet, and neither have you. Nobody has.

I guess, in perspective, this coat thing isn’t that big a deal. Worse things are happening in the world. Beyond Collegetown. In Africa. But also in Asia. And also in New Jersey. And in people’s minds. Not just rationalizations for petty theft, but dirty, nihilistic, murderous thoughts. Those things are much worse than coat stealing.

Plus, I have other coats. But I’m really curious now. So can you e-mail me, just so we can chat? Or write a Letter to the Editor. That would be interesting. Or if this whole affair feels embarrassing … remain unnamed and just donate the coat. Either way man, have a good weekend.

Jeremy Siegman is a sophomore in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be reached at jas367@cornell.edu. Cosmology on the Rocks appears alternate Fridays.