If you keep up with the news as I do,
In supermarket tabloids, then you know
That a team of Martian anthropologists
Has been studying American Culture
For the past ten years.

Well, they went back home last week,
Knowing how awful global warming
was about to be.
Their space vehicle wasn’t a saucer.
It was more of a flying soup toureen.
And they were little, all right,
only six inches tall, but mauve,
not green.

By way of farewell,
Their little mauve leader said
in that teeny-weeny voice of hers
that there were two things about
American Culture no Martian
Would ever understand.
“What is it,” she squeaked,
“what can it possibly be
about blowjobs and golf?”

—originally published in The Sun on October 18, 2005