Op-Ed
Hit It, Quit It, Pop It, Stop It
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Bedroom Eyes
September 6, 2007 - 12:00amThe condom slipped off because he thought too highly of himself and outfitted his penis with a Magnum. Or maybe you missed four of your birth control pills. Perhaps the latex simply broke or your stupid drunk asses decided to forgo protection altogether and engaged in a little game called Just the Tip (and he was feeling super generous and not only gave you Just the Tip, but the whole wrinklebeast completely condom-free — and he even threw in 50 million sperm at the end!)
No matter the scenario, you probably found yourself staring wide-eyed into your coffee on your morning-after CTB run and despite your understanding that morning sickness doesn’t arrive until around the sixth week of pregnancy, you couldn’t help but wonder whether that nasty nauseated feeling was really the work of last night’s jungle juice.
Been there, honey.
My birth control prescription had just expired, I had zero pills left and I didn’t realize what an epic pain in the ass those things are to renew. Every couple of years when your baby-blocker prescription runs out, you need to make an appointment for an annual exam before anyone will write you a new one.
Without a tried and trusted gynecologist anywhere near the tri-state area, I was left with no choice: my vagina was at the mercy of the Gannett Health Center. I booked the first available appointment (2.5 weeks out, thanks Gannett) and as the days without my birth control passed, I gradually morphed into a dragon. My skin suffered massive breakouts, I was a total bitchbag to everyone, one boob increased significantly in size and the other deflated in response.
Let’s be real: mostly I was just horny. One fateful eve during those Yasmin-less weeks, I was fooling around with Chris, a dorkily charming classmate of mine (think Seth Rogen from Knocked Up … oh, the irony). We’d been dating for roughly one menstrual cycle, and one night at my place, things were moving quite routinely into intercourse territory.
I wasn’t thinking straight — or at all, really — and the words “it’s fine, I don’t know where my condoms are, just pull out” slipped out of me as easily as his uncovered penis slipped in. And, well, he kinda pulled out when he was supposed to. The timing on the extraction was flawed and because of the delay, there was a pretty decent chance that he could have slipped one (or a million) past the goalie.
By the way, the pullout method: not intelligent. Ever. I don’t want to get preachy and I realize that sometimes shit happens (see above), but I should have wrapped it up out of basic respect for my body. Unless you’re in a monogamous relationship, you’ve both been tested since your last sexual partners and you’re using some alternative form of contraception, slap on a rubber every time. But who knows — maybe you’re a fan of decorative genital accessories such as herp sores and G-warts. Fortunately, I got away without any STIs, but don’t worry; the Lord did point the mighty finger of shame and gave unto me a particularly brutal UTI to remind me of my misstep.
Around that time, the FDA had recently (finally) announced that Plan B, or the morning-after pill, would be available for purchase over-the-counter to consumers 18 and over. The morning-after pill is a form of contraception — meaning it prevents pregnancy, not terminates it (people often confuse Plan B with the abortion pill RU-486) — and if taken within 72 hours of unprotected sex, Plan B can reduce your chances of getting pregs by 89 percent. Prior to late August 2006, women needed a written prescription to obtain emergency contraception from any pharmacy that carried the drug. At the beginning of the 2006-2007 school year, our own Gannett pharmacy pledged to offer over-the-counter Plan B to Cornell students in conjunction with the new FDA policy.
Unfortunately, while Gannett made the announcement early last fall, the new OTC policy didn’t take effect for several months. I still needed a prescription.
So, I arrived at the fourth floor reception desk the morning after the potential insemination incident and was greeted with a long line that ended in a clipboard being hurled at my face. Attached were some standard forms and an electric blue pamphlet with the words “EMERGENCY CONTRACEPTION” written in absurdly fat letters. You know, just large enough for my parents to see from where they’re standing in Texas. Discreet.
A nurse called me into an examination room, bestowed upon me a long lecture about always using protection and eventually shot a prescription for Plan B through the computer so I could trot downstairs to get it filled. The whole process of waiting in line to see a nurse, receiving the obligatory “watch what you’re putting into your cooter” oration and the acquisition of the emergency contraception from the pharmacy took about an hour.
Ingesting Plan B itself is no biggie: I took one pill in the health center and then took the second pill 12 hours later as directed. I felt some mild cramping similar to PMS, but nothing particularly earthshattering.
These days, I keep an eye on my birth control supply, I never skip the condom and I even keep a box of Plan B in my room right next to my rubbers and lube — and I suggest all of you do the same. Even though purchasing the morning-after pill is a hell of a lot easier than it once was, the less time that elapses between unprotected intercourse and the first dose of Plan B, the better. It’s a smart move to have it around just in case.
I picked up my spare Plan B from Gannett last week and I’m delighted to report that the new over-the-counter policies are securely in place. This time, all I had to do was walk up to the pharmacy counter, ask for E.C. and show my driver’s license to prove that I’m 18. The whole deal took about four minutes and the $50ish cost is a hell of a lot less than the price of an abortion or the cost of raising a smelly, stupid child.
Even so, it may be worthwhile to go through the process of getting a prescription for Plan B anyway: My insurance company will fully cover emergency contraception as long as I obtain a prescription; however, according to the representative I spoke with, Cornell’s Student Health Insurance Plan surprisingly does not.
I did some calling around to check out Ithaca’s emergency contraception situation on a typical Monday morning. Wegman’s pharmacy, Target pharmacy, Planned Parenthood and Wal-Mart all had Plan B in stock and available for purchase at the pharmacy counters for women and men over 18, prescription or no prescription. CVS pharmacy on Clinton St. had none in stock when I called. Finally, the Eckerd on Triphammer not only had no Plan B left, but they also told me I could not send my [fictional] boyfriend to purchase it for me as they only dispense the drug to women.
Whether you’re trying to avoid the pregs-monster like I was or picking up a just-in-case box of the morning-after pill (do it!), always remember that you have tons of accessible options for contraception. E.C. should be used in emergencies only; never in place of your regular contraception. And for the love of lube, please don’t use the pullout method.
Jenna B. is a senior. She can be contacted at opinion@cornellsun.com. Bedroom Eyes appears alternate Thursdays.