Favorite Furry Friend: Cats or Dogs?
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Walk Emily Home
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So it’s come to this. I’m defending dog shit.
First of all, let me get one thing straight: I’m just not a pet person. I don’t hate pets and I don’t hate your pet — I’m sure he’s lovely — but at this point in my life, I see no need for four-legged, furry companionship, and at this point in my life I know I’m not at all qualified to care for living things. I’ve had houseplants commit suicide on me.
But given the choice between a cat and a dog, I have to pick man’s best friend because, I believe, caring for dogs (specifically, cleaning up after them) brings out our truest natures. Cats, while soothing, are little more than ottomans who vomit.
What I mean is this: I’ve never learned much about someone by watching them interact with a cat — there’s not much to see — but, by watching how people forgive or deal with their dog’s guano you can deduce quite a lot about their character. Are they compassionate pooper-scoopers? Are they snobs? Are they thoughtful? Seeing someone pick up after his or her hound can tell you a lot about one’s personality. To this end, cats are no help at all.
For instance, legend has it that one evening President Gerald Ford was dressed in his finest tuxedo to meet the French Prime Minister for a state dinner at the White House. According to the story, as Ford descended the marble stair case, surrounded by saluting Marines, his Golden Retriever “Liberty” ran up to him and you-know-what’d at his feet. Immediately, a swarm of White House aides bent over to clean the mess, but Ford stopped them all, bent to his knees, and used his own handkerchief to pick up the droppings decreeing, “No man should ever have to clean up after another man’s dog.”
Now, I’m a big fan of Bill and Hillary, but there’s not much you can infer from how they cared for Sox.
Similarly, if you see someone walking their dog in New York City (or carrying their Chihuahua on the West Coast), try to observe if they’ve got the proper waste-disposal tools at the ready. A considerate, caring person has plastic bags, gloves, twist-ties and one of those Outbreak suits should Princess decide to pop a squat.
By contrast, an inconsiderate person owns a Chihuahua to begin with, but also allows the rat-on-stilts to do her business wherever she pleases. Cats bury their droppings, thereby hiding all evidence that their owners might be flippant jerks. A messy dog is never an accomplice, and can help expose rotten neighbors for who they are.
Next, there comes the question of how to deal with someone else’s dog poop. A passive, meek person forgives the crime committed on their lawn. A strong, informed, proud person takes matters into their own hands. I’ll demonstrate:
One morning, as my mother leaned against our car, waiting for me to get in, she noticed a fresh pile of Scoobie Doo on our grass. This was clearly the work of our evil next-door neighbors, who let their mutt roam free, crapping and barking like a freshman. Mom’s face filled with justifiable frustration, but this quickly shifted to a look of focused rage. She disappeared into the garage, and returned with an enormous metal shovel. Like a state champion lacrosse player, Mom scooped up the offending pile and whipped it as hard as she could at their front door. Mom, I love you.
Some people go to great lengths to make sure that their dog’s scat stays on their property. These people buy expensive machines from the Star Wars galaxy that create an invisible force field, preventing Scruffy from leaving the area. While this shows that these people are mindful of how gross it is to live next to a pooch with Colitis, it might also suggest that they’re not the most thorough people. Dogs can be trained to stay within boundaries — putting up an electric barrier around your home is just as lazy as leashing your child at the mall. Again, observing how people deal with their animal’s messes lets us imagine what kind of people they are. And, again, cats leave very little mess, and so are useless in spying on your neighbors.
Finally, I’d like to point out that a person who smilingly, joyously cleans up after their dog will probably make a good parent (provided they wash their hands afterward), and is likely to live a long, happy life because they’re loose, grounded and responsible, not stuck-up, hoity or glib.
Me, I’ll stick with my plants and my shovel for now.
Noah Hy Brozinsky is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be contacted at nbrozinsky@cornellsun.com. Walk Emily Home appears alternate Wednesdays.