The story is almost trite.

Lecture class. First day attraction. Mocking the professor; flirting. Study dates.

And on the night of the alleged rape, they’re drinking and “one thing led to another.” Fooling around in bed, the female stops a few times, and the male is fine with stopping as well. She, however, is the one to repeatedly re-initiate the tickling and flirting, leading the male to believe that she doesn’t really want to stop.

So when intercourse begins, she whispers “no” under her breath, but the male assumes that she doesn’t really mean it, and keeps on going. The next morning, they leave on platonic terms.

The day after, he’s told that she has accused him of raping her.

Sound familiar? I’m guessing that 80 percent of you think that the male character is completely innocent. Maybe you even thought the girl was a little crazy — the “girl who cried wolf,” or in this case, “rape.”

And I don’t blame you — he didn’t seem like a bad guy, certainly not an alley-way lurker — which is what we believe all rapists are like. The truth, that two-thirds of rapes are non-stranger scenarios, is even scarier than the typical rape nightmare of darkness, parking lots and physical force. And another truth: this can happen between two females, two males, or a male and a female in opposite roles as the above scenario (although it is even less frequently reported).

Let’s break this down.

As defined in Cornell’s Campus Code of Conduct, rape is “sexual intercourse by forcible compulsion or without consent or with someone who is incapable of consent.”

But what is consent? One can argue that “without consent” is verbally saying no. With this argument, the character in the above situation is legally guilty of rape: he heard the girl say no, and he pressed on anyway.

But if “without consent” is verbally saying no, then “consent” itself is quite an abstract concept: in fact, it’s anything aside from saying no. Wait a minute here and just think about how absolutely screwed up this is. Consent is being defined by what it isn’t. If in order to be without consent, one must verbally say something, this means that implicitly what a woman — or a man — does aside from saying no is interpreted as wanting sex.

Starting to sound familiar? This is the “wellllll-I-understand-how-he(she)-could-have-thought-I-was-asking-for-it” or the “it-just-sorta-happened” rationale. In the past two weeks alone two good friends have told me that they have recently been in a similar situation to the one above but were reluctant to talk to anybody about it for fear of ruining their partners’ lives. As somewhat of a side note, both situations were with these friends’ virginity. This fact hits us hard in the gut because virginity cannot be replaced. It is crucial to remember, however, that the feelings of confusion, frustration and blame which I’m discussing can occur in any sexual relationship, no matter how long two partners have been engaging in sexual intercourse.

The second part of the Code’s definition — “with someone who is incapable of consent”— helps muddle up the discussion rather than provide clarity. In terms of alcohol, for example, where is the line between being buzzed and being impaired or incapable?

There is no one easy answer to this incredibly layered, complex topic. Instead, I offer a suggestion.

Because consent is so often an ambiguous subject, I propose that consent should not be a free-for-all, a concept easily defined by what it isn’t, but rather by what it is. What if “consent” is verbally saying yes to sex? What if you actually laid out the rules with your partner before things “just happen?” From this definition of consent, one partner would, and could, never take for granted that another person was comfortable in that very moment whether they’ve been having sex for days, months or years.

I know what you’re thinking: “What kind of crazy pre-planned sex is this girl advocating? God, doesn’t she know about spontaneity? And how can you be sexy while asking if your partner wants to have sex?”

Answers: Yes, I know about spontaneity. And I also know that from now on, my partner and I are going to verbally get in the pattern of talking to each other before we make any kind of move. And about interrupting the mood — we are at Cornell. By definition, we should be creative, innovative folks. I think we can find a way to make asking what your partner wants sexy. After all, 20 years ago, interrupting the mood to ask for a condom was considered obtrusive and too much of a bother. Oh, and on the topic of condoms — note that asking if your partner has a condom does not equal if your partner wants sexual intercourse.

It’s time to sit back and appreciate the underrated value of linguistic communication. This is stuff that we’re always taught about in health class — “have an open, honest conversation with your partner before intercourse” — and it’s so easy to put aside, even in the most long-term, trusting of relationships.

I believe that most of us out there want to be having sex with people who really want to be having sex with us too at that very moment.This means that even in the healthiest of relationships, it should not be a tacit “given” that two partners want sex at the same time. In a similar vein, I also believe that, uh, sex feels a lot better when two partners are on the same page. So take a minute and ask seven simple words: Do you want to have sexual intercourse? Wait for an explicit response, and respect that response.

I implore you all to consider this; if you don’t feel comfortable asking those seven words or if you or your partner are not in the right mindset to answer those seven words, then please, don’t do it. There will be other times. We have too much to deal with as college students as it is: I literally shudder to think of the population of students on campus who, on a daily basis, are dealing with the emotional consequences of one lost communicative opportunity.

Weigh on one hand the inconvenience and construed embarrassment of asking, and weigh on the other the potential emotional weight, confusion and blame game of not having this haiku’d conversation:

“hey, do you want to

have sexual intercourse?”

“Yes, THANKS for asking!”

P.S. A personal note to Rob Fishman ’08 — I stand proud with your other “Sex-Crazed Sunnettes” in discussing issues of this nature which need to be discussed; issues which I don’t see you, or the male columnists, bringing up of your own accord, but rather sporadically criticizing without foundation.

Ariela Rutkin-Becker is a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She can be contacted at arbecker@cornellsun.com. Dude, Where’s My Karma?­ appears alternate Tuesdays.