Maybe I’m just a little cynical, but when someone tells me about some great deal where I can get this $60-value for only $29.99 plus a free limited edition Ronald Reagan Tribute Coin, my first thoughts are, “What sucks about this, and why is it so easy to get?” When things are very available, it usually means they aren’t that great. Because of this concept, it is generally agreed upon that the most attractive girls are also the most “hard-to-get.”

Girls at Cornell, however, don’t seem to apply this logic in their hookup screening process. The guys whom we grant access to our carnal treasures are the guys with macking skills. They have devoted a great deal of effort to developing meticulous pick-up tactics and even, true to hard-working Cornellian form, studying books like The Game.

But if there’s anything I’ve learned as a single girl at Cornell, it’s that the “mack-daddies” aren’t always the best hookups and the guy without the “game” is often the biggest catch. So, for the sake of all of the great catches out there who just don’t know how to find us, and for all of us great single girls out there ready to be found, here’s my extremely non-expert advice on what we’re looking for and how even the dorks of Cornell can give it to us.

Before I start, however, I have to confess that I am somewhat hesitant to give out this information because I realize that there is potential for misuse. If guys get wise to this whole pick-up thing and start misleading girls into thinking they’re your average sweet geeky Cornellians when, in fact, they are nothing more than Stiffler-esque jerks, then the whole purpose of this article has been defeated. I think, though, that the nature of my advice and the fact that Cornell girls aren’t stupid or too easily fooled, will prevent this kind of abuse.

As far as I’m concerned, really getting a girl — I mean laughs-at-all-your-lame-jokes, actually-goes-to-that-pregame-you’re-throwing-at-your-apartment-even-though-she-hates-most-of-your-beer-guzzling-friends getting a girl — requires some significant effort, and not necessarily the kind that can be put in mid-Beirut-game. Think something along the lines of Will Smith in Hitch rather than the scheming womanizer on VH1’s offensive new reality show The Pickup Artist who refers to girls as “targets.” It should also be noted that this is the same guy who arbitrarily nicknamed himself “Mystery.”

The thing about Cornellians that’s different from the effortlessly cool characters on CW shows is that all of us are basically dorks. Even the least dorky of us, the guys who spit the most game and know the most bouncers in C-town, are, when compared to the rest of the undergraduate world minus like Harvard and MIT, still pretty dorky. We don’t expect our boys to be James Deans or Vincent Chases. If you try to come off that way to smart Cornell girls, chances are, you aren’t fooling anyone and you’re probably doing more damage than good.

The real key to a Cornell girl’s heart is learning exactly what she wants, and then doing everything it takes to give it to her. Some guys think that girls want a guy who’s always sweet, sensitive and caring. Others think that girls want a guy who’s always acting cocky, confident and aloof. Well, it’s time to wake up and smell the rejection, people, because you’re both wrong. Girls, you might think you want a guy who’s always been a perfect sweetheart to you but think really hard. Does the idea of a guy desperately chasing after you with a bouquet in one hand and a book of poems he’s written about you in the other actually sound attractive? No, you’d rather have a guy who’s more aloof … a guy who makes you work for his affection. But then, if a guy makes you work too hard, it can be frustrating and hurtful. So how do you establish the middle ground?

What the average Cornell girl wants is a guy who acts fully confident in himself in front of everyone else, but who lets his guard down with her. This should really be pretty easy for guys at Cornell, because it means you’re allowed to be your dorky selves as long as you don’t act that way all the time!

Girls at Cornell need two things. They need to feel special, and they need to feel like they are in control. How do you make a girl feel special? You make her believe that you treat her differently from how you treat everyone else. You let her know that she is the only one special enough to see that dorky side of you and that, though you might not let everyone else see it, deep down you have a great heart. How do you make a girl feel like she is in control? You let her believe that she is the one who brought it out of you.

I also want to acknowledge that looks do play a role here, and I can’t really help you there. We all have different tastes. The best advice I can give you is to get frequent haircuts, do your laundry and hit up the gym every so often. Oh and don’t forget to shower afterwards.

The bottom line is that you don’t have to go too far out of your way or change who you are to impress us. Let’s face it. We wouldn’t be at Cornell if we valued chiseled features and ripped abs over brains and personality. If we did, we’d be on The Hills. So embrace your inner dork, wear your Cornell sweatshirt proudly and don’t be ashamed to have four eyes.

Nikki Nussbaum is a junior in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. She can be contacted at nnussbaum@cornellsun.com. Cornell Unzipped appears alternate Mondays.