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The Green Ranger Never Hurt Anyone

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Walk Emily Home

Good people volunteer to go first for class presentations because they like setting the standard and they like getting things out of the way. Good people don’t use library computers to check Facebook when there are others waiting. Good people are amused by such things as the geographic disparity between those who say, “Wait on line” and those who say, “Wait in line.” (My parents are from Brooklyn, I grew up in La Jolla and my teachers were all Seth Efrikin — I say strange things.) Good people don’t ruin movies (Keyser Söze!). Good people speak their minds when something important rears its ugly head, and, most importantly, good people remember to cite their sources.

No, I don’t mean MLA formatting papers, though citing sources there is important too. In fact, I know two people here who’ve been punished for plagiarizing papers about the Holocaust. Are you kidding me? But that’s not what I want to write about this week. I wish to discuss a different sort of citation, the kind that’s noticeably lacking in regular collegiate discourse. I’ll explain.

This past weekend I was enjoying some good old-fashioned fun with my hockey-ticket friends when we noticed a frat-related tiff forming beneath our window. I’m sure it was about something crucial. Maybe they were arguing over who could do a better Triple Salchow. I don’t know. As things escalated, one guy took off his shirt (the universal sign that one’s ready to rumble) and his opponent-to-be flapped his fleece like a peacock’s plumage. They circled each other in the age-old ritual of “Whoever Throws The First Punch Can’t Press Charges.” Fortunately, (kind of) no one did punch first.

But while all this was going on and each guy’s crew (Sharks vs. Jets, I’m assuming) tried to pick a height/weight match-up should things really get out of hand, one of these geniuses kept shouting to the other, “Shut the hell up, shut the hell up.”

“Hm,” I thought. “How clever.”

Apparently someone was talking smack about someone else with little or no proof. If pressed to document where he heard whatever he was saying, I’d be surprised if he could back up his claims with data. Most likely he was repeating hearsay, or spreading uncalled-for rumors. A “he- said-you-said-she said” kind of thing.

No one likes a gossip. But worse than someone who spreads ungrounded rumors is someone who spreads facts or opinions that aren’t their own. Like my friends who got well-deserved Fs on their papers for “borrowing” a few opening pages, people who spread the wisdom of others in conversation without giving credit where it’s due should be reprimanded. We all have trouble with this, and correcting this patently dishonest behavior is difficult. But I think everyone, myself included (definitely), could stand to gain from occasionally pausing conversations to step back, take a deep breath, and, like fleece-man suggested, shut the hell up.

My roommate came up with the idea of making Rosh Hashanah resolutions, and since we’ve both already broken them (I haven’t been to the gym in weeks) maybe we can replace them with a grand, sweeping “November Resolution” to properly cite all theories we repeat to one another. Let’s, everyone, try to avoid conversational plagiarism for at least a month. Here are some rules and suggestions:

Like the five-day waiting period to buy a gun (it should be 75 years), the “November Resolution” makes it illegal to discuss anything you’ve just learned for five full hours until you’ve digested the material and formed your own opinion. Taking your professor’s lecture and re-teaching it to your buddies as though you’ve always been an expert is plagiarism! However, if you preface your comments with, “I just learned …” or, “My professor said …” then please gab away.

Also, try to stay away from using acronyms that you just learned to make yourself sound more intelligent. It’s “Department of Defense,” not D.O.D. The reverse is also true: If you discuss the Act meant to Unite and Strengthen America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism instead of just saying “Patriot Act,” please transfer universities.

Political discussions on campus are full of violations of the “November Resolution.” If you see a political headline on CNN.com that interests you, read the whole article before spreading half-truths, and be sure to tell people where you learned what you did. The Daily Show and The Colbert Report are great sources for political items of interest, but explain to your friends that you get your news from Comedy Central. You wouldn’t tolerate the New York Times getting all its info from Jon Stewart, so why should you be allowed to quote him unqualified?

Of course, the Internet is the “November Resolution’s” greatest foe. “I read it online” is never a sufficient alibi when you’re talking with friends. Cite specifically where on the Internet you found your facts and be able to e-mail any necessary links when called upon to do so. If you’re going to claim that pigeons sort-of breastfeed or that octopi are as smart as housecats you need to explain how you found this out. Legitimate sources are essential! This is conversation, not Fox News.

On the topic of citing the Internet for daily discourse, I think Wikipedia is a fantastic and appropriate tool, as long as you appreciate that whatever is on that website might only be temporarily true. If you come across something outlandish (Such as Yoni Fintzi Tuna or my roommate’s creation, baseball legend Mick Nolar) check back in a few days to make sure it’s still there. Don’t blame Wikipedia for your lies — admit you were wrong and move on. For instance, because of Wikipedia, I for a long time believed the Green Power Ranger murdered two old people and stole their boat. Wikipedia has since corrected its mistake. Whoops!

Included in the “November Resolution” is the idea that we should be more honest about where our opinions come from, too. Are you saying what you feel or what you know? Too many people, I feel, tend to go off about relationships, the Middle East, politics, student housing, frats, medical school, law school and I-banking without acknowledging the difference between a fact (cited or not) and a hunch.

So let’s declare November a month of academic and conversational integrity. Don’t know the answer to something? Look it up! Ask an informed friend! Ask the Internet! Just learned something really cool? Explain where and how you learned it. No one who matters is going to think you’re any less special if you remove yourself from a fact by one more degree. Tell people where you get your information — we’ll all avoid a lot of brouhaha.

Noah Hy Brozinsky is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be contacted at nbrozinsky@cornellsun.com. Walk Emily Home appears alternate Wednesdays.

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