Recent Updates by Topic

Popular Opinion Pieces

Op-Ed

Dating: An Old Man’s Perspective

Print: Email: Share:

Gain Through Loss

Gain Through Loss

Carolyn Marie Tucker was probably the most popular girl in my middle school. And she majorly dug me (who wouldn’t?!). She dug my silk shirts, my boyish charm and had even nicknamed me “the Iranian Sensation.” It was clear to anyone with a lunchbox that all throughout sixth grade, there was something going on between the two of us, and I wanted to make it official.

She was the first girl I ever really asked out. I remember calling her from my parents’ bedroom at 10 a.m. one Saturday morning. I asked her if she wanted to “go with me,” which was the term used back in my day for going steady. She said she would think about it.

Two days later in band class, her best friend, Amy, handed me a note.

Dear Behzad,

Carrie

OK, I haven’t actually kept that note throughout the years — that was just my best guess from memory as to what it said. And I am over her. Really. But I was hurt. And I can’t tell you how many times since then, throughout high school and college, girls have preferred to be “good friends” or preferred that I be their “brothers.”

About 15 seconds after Carrie rejected me, it became clear to me that she didn’t want to go out because she wasn’t attracted to me. About 15 years after Carrie rejected me, it became clear to me that being a true brother to a girl is probably a lot more caring and responsible than trying to test drive any girl I was moderately attracted to.

While dating is something I think I have little to no idea about, it is something I think most undergrads are completely unprepared for. Be merciful; I said most.

For most, dating (semi-serious dating, not hand-holding and lollipop sharing) is a way to test the waters with someone we are mutually attracted to. We both like each other and have a lot in common: does it make sense to do anything but date?

Yes, it does. The model should be: you have grown up, you don’t need to date for someone else to fulfill a role or make you feel good about yourself, you don’t need to date because you need a physical pacifier (ie you have self control); rather, you are prepared to date after you have gotten to know someone very well and want to commit to, encourage, grow with and potentially spend the rest of your life with that person.

Instead, we often want to test drive the car before we buy. And we don’t even really end up buying, we just lease. We like joyrides.

I hear many undergrads in these columns complain about people of the opposite sex, that they can’t find anyone decent to date and so on. In reality, most people aren’t ready for a committed relationship; they only want the “perks” of dating: chivalry, perceived commitment, romance, etc.

If we want to be in a relationship for the right reasons — we want to commit to someone, share our lives with someone, support and encourage someone — we can examine whether the relationship might bear fruit and show promise in a platonic setting. If we want to date someone for the wrong reasons: we need outside fulfillment, we need a sexual pacifier, we want to show others and ourselves that we can date, we want a constant in our lives — then a platonic relationship won’t work, and probably neither will a romantic relationship.

Numbers on divorce rates are all over the place, depending on the source. According to the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology, almost half of first marriages will end up in divorce. More strikingly, of all the divorces in the United States, more than half occur when couples are married before 25, whereas couples that marry between the ages of 25 to 29 only constitute about 17 percent of all divorces. These numbers suggest that people are generally better at making important decisions as they become older and wiser, perhaps some immaturities and sexual motives begin to fade and other important considerations grow?

You are ready to date when you are happy being single. You don’t get better by practicing, you get baggage.

So what do you do if you’re not ready to be in a committed life-long relationship? Abstain until you are ready. Perhaps such thinking is radically different, but perhaps it’s what people need in times of radically failing test drives.

Behzad Varamini is a graduate student in Nutritional Sciences. He can be contacted at bvaramini@cornellsun.com. Gain Through Loss appears alternate Tuesdays.

• Add new comment
• Printer-friendly version
• send to friend