Well, as you must know by now, this is the last issue of The Sun for 2007 and brings my rookie season as a columnist to a close. Do not worry, loyal readers, my contract has been renewed so there will be much more in 2008. And to the detractors and the haters who fill my inbox with nasty e-mails about how stupid I am, boo-ya!

In retrospect, I noticed one common theme in my columns throughout the year: I always complain about something. Yep, from Cornell’s treatment of the club water polo team to the Campus Code, I’ve had a kvetch every week. However, the holiday season, which is almost upon us, fills my soul with holiday cheer. So, in that spirit I will write another column … complaining about Cornell. There is something to consistency, though what that is beats me. Here is my wish list to Santa requesting the improvement of both my life and that of my fellow Cornellians.

1. Santa, next year, please give Cornell students the Wednesday before Thanksgiving off. Better yet, give us the entire week off. Cornell, similar to Antarctica, is one of the most isolated places in the world. Conveniently located four to six hours from every major metropolis on the East Coast (I’m thinking Boston, Philadelphia, Toronto, Montreal, New York City and Washington, D.C.), leaving Cornell is like trying to escape Alcatraz: it’s difficult, time-consuming and often life-threatening. This adventure becomes even more fun and intrepid when students live on the West Coast. Add a little holiday snow and … o joy. Indeed, while I am sure Ezra enjoys this practical joke as he laughs from beyond the grave, most of us do not. The end result is that most professors cancel class on Wednesday without school backing. If they do not, students tend to skip anyways, some even as early as the weekend. Santa, the University is forcing the students and professors to be naughty. So, since we work so hard and begin classes earlier than most other schools anyway, let us have the whole week off so that we can really give thanks and be with our families.

2. Though global warming seems to be taking care of this one, please Santa, change the weather at this school. I hate the movie The Day After Tomorrow, and I hate reliving it every time I step outside even more. Deceptively, Cornell Days are always good weather days. Just make everyday a Cornell Day.

3. Santa, please get rid of my distribution requirements for next semester. I have to take two science courses, and it’s going to ruin my senior year.

4. Santa, please, for Heaven’s sake, provide Teagle with some ice packs. In my Cornell career, I have twice strained my index finger at Teagle Hall while playing water polo. I have twice gone to the issue room to get an ice pack. And I have twice been turned down because its refrigerator, purportedly filled with ice packs, instead contained Diet Cokes. An ice-cold Diet Coke is certainly a refreshing beverage. In fact, some would say that Diet Coke is the most refreshing drink currently on the market, though I personally wouldn’t go that far. However, an ice-cold Diet Coke tied together to my finger by a towel-turned-tourniquet is not a substitute for an ice pack. Isn’t this against the law, not having adequate first-aid in a gym? I really don’t think ice packs are that expensive. In fact, I did some research and found that one costs only $20.99 at Wal-Mart! Everyday low prices! I think that some ice packs in Teagle are definitely in order for the New Year.

5. Santa, please give the ILR students the day off on Labor Day. The irony is too much to handle.

6. Santa, please improve the parking policy at this school. In case you haven’t noticed, our campus is massive. It takes a student living in off-campus housing on North Campus 40 minutes to walk to the Engineering Quad. In a car, that’s an eminently manageable four minute, 37 second drive. So, at some point over break, just pull out some parking spots from your limitless gift bag and put them in awesome areas. O yea, and delete the line in the University rule book concerning parking permits. It was never very festive, and I don’t think many students will miss it.

7. Santa, please make school slightly easier. Pulling all-nighters may develop character, and failing a prelim may thicken the skin. Character and thick skin are all well and good, but that F really sucks.

8. Santa, please refurbish the buildings on the Arts Quad. A lot of them are a real mess. Due to poor insulation mostly, they are unbearably hot during spring and frigidly cold during the winter. I am also fairly certain that McGraw Hall is not wheelchair accessible. If it is, with that painfully slow elevator, it’s certainly not wheelchair friendly. Hm … I smell a lawsuit.

9. Santa, please move my column next year from Fridays to Tuesdays. Well, in this case, Santa, taking the form of my amazing and munificent editors, visited me a little early this year and granted my wish. I know change can be sometimes hard to accept. Do not worry, it matters not, but do keep reading my column next year.

10. Finally, Santa, please grant all the readers, even the haters, a wonderful and relaxing holiday. We all deserve it after walking in the death march that is a semester at Cornell. Light the menorah. Put up the Christmas tree. Celebrate Kwanzaa. If you’re an Atheist, laugh at everyone lighting the menorahs, putting up the Christmas trees and celebrating Kwanzaa. Be healthy — and merry. Recharge, and see you next year.

Gregory Wolfe is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be contacted at gwolfe@cornellsun.com. It Matters Not, But... appears alternate Fridays.