Vegetarianism, for me, has been a lot like the Iraq War in that it has lasted a long time but the rationales have kept changing. Sadly, I have a hunch that my affair with vegetarianism is soon to collapse. When contemplating a return to omnivorocity though, I feel guilty about the environmental implications. I know I should compensate with some other means of reducing my ecological footprint (which, for the record, is 3.6 — Google it if you don’t know yours). Then, in a stroke of brilliance (or something), I realized that convincing someone else to take the baton would have the same effect. Thus, I have but one goal with this column: to produce one newly branded vegetarian from Cornell’s ether. This represents a significant lowering of the bar from my goals in most columns, which are usually along the lines of exploring interesting issues, furthering the agenda of the left and getting girls to talk to me. So let me take you through the various rationales for vegetarianism, and you tell me if any of them could apply to you.

Bleeding Heart Vegetarianism: When I was seven, I returned from Latin America with ironclad conviction about animal injustice. When my mom cooked shark for dinner one night, I had a visceral reaction to the idea of eating a previously swimming creature, and opted for vegetarianism. My mom, worried about my seven-year-old nutrition, tried to convince me otherwise. We settled on pescetarianism, and I went without land meat until mid-middle school (even though the catalyst was the shark … I don’t know, it made more sense to me at the time).

The crux of bleeding heart vegetarianism is a general repulsion to the idea that your food was probably running, swimming or flying around a couple days ago. To find out if your heart is bleeding, play a game of slippery slope with yourself. Start by asking yourself whether you’d feel comfortable sautéing a chimp under the right conditions. If not, move on to dolphins, pumas, a mongoose, guinea pigs, etc. If you make it to shrimp, you’re probably a bleeding heart vegetarian. You’ll also (theoretically) be able to find some common ground with people who hold signs outside of abortion clinics.

It should also be noted that other types of vegetarians like to hate on bleeding heart vegetarians for having shallow reasons for opting away from meat. Be warned.

Normative Vegetarianism: I need to mention that third grade was probably my social zenith. About a year after I became a pescetarian, my friends started following suit, and it was like the next big thing. Normative vegetarians are those who raise the colors because cooler people are doing the same. If you were to don vegetarianism for the purpose of impressing a member of the opposite sex, you would also fall into this category. I think this is probably one of the most common rationales for vegetarianism; evidence can be found on the cover of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Street Survivors” album, as the drummer is wearing a shirt with the word “vegetarian.” I doubt he was broadcasting that for ecological reasons. Sage Francis and Common are also vegetarians. They even rap about it. I’ll add that I think Normative Vegetarians are probably the most rational type, as the reasoning has nothing to do with externalized benefits.

Weberian Vegetarianism (a.k.a Academic Vegetarianism): The bleeding heart logic having lost its traction in late middle school, I reverted to my omnivorous (even, on occasion, carnivorous) ways throughout high school and into the beginning of college. Winter break of sophomore year, however, brought the coalescence of a few important factors. First, my mom was in Japan and my dad Maine. Second, I ran out of money. Due to the cost of meat and extra effort required to prepare it, meat lost its appeal. I didn’t even realize I had fallen back into vegetarianism until returning to Cornell. At that point though, I had momentum.

The gist of Weberian or Academic Vegetarianism is that your coffers are empty, and nourishment ranks on your daily agenda about as high as Africa ranks on Washington’s agenda. When reading (for Academics) or working (for Weberians) render banal tasks like food preparation petty, granola bars and green tea start to make a lot of sense.

Postmaterial Vegetarianism: I guess some underlying environmental awareness has combined with the Academic/Weberian logic to sustain my streak for the last two years. If you’re not familiar with the ecological calculus, let me do my best to make a compelling argument in about three sentences. The meat industry is responsible for about 18 percent of carbon and other toxic emissions worldwide, making irresponsible meat consumption the single largest environmental impact for most Americans. About 300 gallons of fresh water go into the food production for one American vegan for one day, whereas the number is 4,200 for those who consume meat. Livestock consume 40 percent of the world’s grain, and the food energy lost in the process is six to ten times greater than the energy that ends up in the meat. This means the energy that went into every serving of meat you eat could have served six to ten vegetarians; the implications for global hunger are obvious.

I’m calling this Postmaterial Vegetarianism sort of as a joke. Conventional wisdom of the ’90s told us that societies didn’t start caring about environmental issues until they reached a certain level of development such that they could afford to pick up immaterial, “luxury” issues like this. But in reality, environmental problems are incredibly material, their manifestations immediate and visible, and our per-capita ecological impact has continued to grow with development.

The point is, since I still feel bad about this last rationale for vegetarianism, I need you to step up. E-mail me. I’ll even make you a shirt that says something like “My Vegetarianism is Normative,” or “I Inherited Tim Krueger’s Vegetarianism.” We’ll talk.

Tim Krueger is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be contacted at tkrueger@­c­o­r­n­ellsun.com. Educating Your Guesses appears alternate Thursdays.