It’s time for me to come clean: my name is Katie, and I am a Canadian.

Why now? Why did I choose to come out of the national closet with this bold declaration of citizenship? It is because, after two and a half years in this upstate wasteland, I am exasperated with the disturbing lack of knowledge my peers have about their neighbors to the north. I offer this column as a corrective: a Canada for Dummies guide. Let it be a rude awakening to your woeful ignorance of my native land.

1: Location

Let’s start simple. Canada is the nation directly to the north of the United States. It is made up of 10 provinces and 3 territories (not states). Geographically, Canada is considerably larger and better endowed — with natural resources — than the U.S.

2: Politics

Our Prime Minister is named Stephen Harper. He’s got the spunk and likability of a Dick Cheney, but the bright blue eyes of a baby. On the political spectrum, this relatively right-wing leader is about as fiscally ‘conservative’ as the Democratic Party.

3: The Queen

But the true leader of Canada is (gasp!) – the QUEEN OF ENGLAND. That’s right, Canada is a ‘constitutional monarchy,’ with Queen Elizabeth II as our official head of state. Technically, her approval is required before a bill can become a law.

The whole idea of a Queen representing Canada makes a lot of Americans uncomfortable and bringing it up always seems to rub them the wrong way. Still, the authority of our mighty monarch is a small burden to bear when compared to a president who seems like he’d be more comfortable running a kegger than a country. At least the Old Lizzie’s got charm.

4: Parlez-vous français?

Most of Canada is English-speaking. That said, Canada has two official languages: English and French.

Quebec is a French-speaking province, but many Quebecois feel a different allegiance. In 1995, we had a national referendum to decide whether Quebec should secede from Canada and become a separate country. It was close! 50.58% voted no and 49.42% voted yes. To put the current situation in perspective: imagine if all the Spanish speakers in the U.S formed their own state and national parties and started agitating for some kind of United States of Mexico. I have a feeling that might get the vigilantes patrolling your borders with their BB guns a little riled up.

5: The Metric System (Why I’m right and you’re wrong)

Some entrepreneurs and substance salespeople on Cornell’s campus have already familiarized themselves with the system of measurement that relies on the ‘gram’ to calculate weight. Still, the majority of law-abiding citizens remain perplexed. Personally, I’m puzzled that Americans find the Metric system so mystifying. Almost all countries recognize the Metric System, whereas only a few holdouts remain: the U.S., Liberia and Myanmar. So much for staying ahead of the curve.

7: Healthcare

Americans have an idealized view of Canadian healthcare. True, our system is government-funded. True, if an uninsured man collapses on the streets, he will be rushed in an ambulance and treated in a hospital, instead of being left to croak in the waiting room. True, Canadians have longer life expectancies and lower infant mortality rates.

However, unlike what Michael Moore claims, Canadians wait for EVERYTHING, from simple blood tests to major surgery. Canada is also slower to adopt the new technologies that American medical institutions are quick to embrace. So before you decide to sneak over the border, consider that you could be there a while.

8: Our Dollar

Last year, I was explaining to a friend my preference for splitting the restaurant bill on first dates. She implored me to reconsider – “Women make 87 cents to the dollar. And for you, that’s 87 cents CANADIAN.”

Now, the tides have turned, my friends; my dollar is finally at parity. To be more precise, the Canadian loonie surpassed the greenback several months ago, and has since settled at a comfortable 97.7 cents USD. I think I’ll take all that money I’m saving on tuition this year and celebrate with a little online shopping.

9: Gay Marriage

On July 19 2005, the Canadian Senate passed Bill C-38, making same-sex marriage the law of the land. South of the border, United States politicians are careful to keep mum on the whole issue. Sure, your Vice President’s daughter is a lesbian, but even that isn’t enough to get the government talking. Moreover, both Democrats and Republicans continue to tote the idea of the ‘traditional family’ as the ‘backbone of America.’

At the very least, this seems a kind of warped method of prioritizing. Is preventing Adam and Steve from formalizing their love really something the U.S can afford to spend a lot of time on these days?

10: Poutine

I decided to let you in on one quintessentially Canadian treat. Thus, I will reveal the wonderful Quebecois culinary creation: ‘Poutine.’ First, your standard restaurant takes a plate of French fries. Then they add white cheese curds and a bucket-load of viscous gravy. The cheese melts, the gravy runs – it’s a masterpiece; the McDonalds in Quebec even sell a particularly nasty version of it. Hey, don’t look at me – it’s not Canadians who are topping the global obesity charts.

I could go on forever. The list of born-and-bred Canadian products that Americans reap the benefits of is impressive. Pamela Anderson, synthetic insulin, zippers and Yahtzee: all Canadian success stories.

But at least you know the basics. So next month, when you find yourself interviewing at a Canadian I-banking firm because the American dollar has tanked, you can thank me. Otherwise, consider yourself a little more knowledgeable about an under-appreciated minority at C.U.

Editor's Note: Some of you may notice that the above piece omits item six. This is not an accident. In Canada, there is no number six. Everyone knows that.