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Out With the Old

Bedroom Eyes

Despite all the glowing, life-changing wisdom I dispense here in this magical space, I must confess that I don’t always employ that same solid logic in my own day-to-day life. For example, last week, I spent an evening sucking on many, many hard cocktails (ha) the night before an early class and was greeted in the morning by a whole world of searing pain, caked-on makeup and a tummy singing with the early rumblings of a vom attack. I could barely move.

I hate being late for things — parties, my period and early classes in particular — so after two Alka-Seltzer and Tylenol concoctions, things were still looking bleak at best; I knew I needed to take drastic measures if this 10:10 was going to happen.

I’ve always heard that drinking a bit of last night’s alcohol in the morning helps to take the edge off a wicked hangover. I figured trying out the hair-of-the-dog strategy couldn’t make things much worse, so I forced down a shot of vodka, dragged my ass to class and prayed for sweet relief.

But no. I vommed right after class. I rallied through the day by reminding myself that a hangover was certainly not the worst-case reason to be puking in the morning (at least I was not infected with the worst ailment of all: pregnancy), but the misery didn’t subside until nightfall.

As we learned from the lost condom incident and that time I made the ill-advised decision to have sex with my best friend, there is wisdom to be gleaned from every unfortunate event. The lesson here is this: the solution to a problem is not, in fact, more of the problem.

Seems obvious, right? Chalk up another “no shit” point for Jenna B.?

But if this is so crystal clear, why the hell are so many of you still talking to, hanging out with and, worst of all, sleeping with your recent exes?

For the love of lube, people: your relationship ended for a reason. I know it’s Valentine’s Day and I should be writing about hearts and candlelit lovemaking and how many fugly pieces of jewelry I have seen exchange hands over the years, but I cannot bother with that sort of thing when I keep hearing about all these couples breaking up their destructive relationships (good!) but still remaining sorta-together on shady-ass terms, still having sex and still calling each other every day.

I get it: you thought you and your ex were going to be together forever and would always be deeply in love — but hey, you know what? You thought wrong. Now it’s time to get the hell over it. Getting the hell over it, I’m sorry to say, means no more I.M.’s, phone calls, texts or hanging out — at least for a while, anyway — and absolutely no more sexytime ever again.

Let’s start with the most common offense: an ex-couple maintaining frequent communication with each other immediately after they’ve broken up. You know, this sort of reminds me of the time I wrote about replacing the word Chlamydia with “The Croc.” Were the people who suffered from Chlamydia magically cured and liberated from their STI just because I changed the name? I think not. So, memo to you: when you verbally end a failing relationship but continue to talk to each other all the time, you’re still in your disastrous relationship — you just changed the name. Take a time out.

Unless the situation is such that you and your new ex are forced to work closely together for some academic or job-related reason (if so, my cold, slutty heart goes out to you), you need to quit talking to each other entirely for an extended period of time. I know that it sort of blows to think that your bond with someone close to you was contingent upon making the romantic things work. It sort of feels like this person’s value to you, and vice versa, significantly decreased or disappeared entirely when the romantic aspect of your relationship fell apart — but that’s not necessarily true. Assuming things didn’t end with the two of you hurling blunt objects at each others’ heads, you can certainly be friends with your ex somewhere down the line.

But that time is not now. If the breakup was not mutual (and come on, most breakups are about as even and balanced as my tits), don’t pick up the phone when your sad-sack ex calls you; it’s better for both of you. You each need to take some time before you can embark on the enchanting adventure of forging a friendship with someone whose heart and genitalia used to be yours exclusively.

And speaking of genitalia: don’t bang your ex. You’re not only parading your dumb ass around in treacherous friends–with-benefits territory, but you’re also doing so with someone you once thought to be your soulmate or whatever. You’re playing Russian Roulette with a fully-loaded gun.

Why do we fall into bed with our exes? Ideally, those voices in our heads will kick in to say “been there, done that, he had a small peen anyway” — but usually not so much. Back when I found myself in a toxic physical entanglement with a dude who had just dumped me after a serious relationship, my explanation would have been “because we know each other so well, understand each others’ bodies and it’s convenient. It’s just a physical thing.” Decent answer, right? Also: a bullshit one.

The real answer: there were emotions flying all over the place, going in and out of every orifice like … well, you know. If your lovesick little head has somehow arrived at the conclusion that having sex with your ex is going to be the first step toward a renewed relationship, I would strongly advise you to step back and get your shit together ASAP. Last I checked, sex is not an act of commitment or even necessarily of affection outside the context of a relationship (at least I certainly hope it’s not; otherwise, I could fill a small lecture hall with dudes to whom I’ve committed my heart and soul).

More importantly, no matter how casual or unemotional or over-it you think you may be, having sex with someone you once shared an intimate connection with is going to infect you with a pretty serious ETD (Emotionally Transmitted Disease) — and those are tough to shake. In the framework of a relationship, sex is generally emotionally charged, an act that goes far beyond just skin-on-skin pleasure. Putting yourself right back in a physical situation that once glowed with smoldering passion and intense warmth has the potential to deliver a swift kick in the ass that may not only hold you back from separating yourself from your ex, but will set your healing process back a few bajillion steps.

If you’re missing your ex — suffering from an emotional hangover, if you will — ride it out like a champ just like you’d drag your ass through a brutal hangover. The antidote to your pain is not in piling on more of that which caused you to hurt in the first place. Whether that indulgence happens to take the form of a liquid, a comforting voice or a familiar body, using it as a quick fix is only going to make the already difficult healing process longer. In other words: tough it out, cut it out and get the hell over it. Hell, sleep with everyone else on campus if it juices your peach — just not your ex.

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