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Dakota Fanning: No One's Valentine

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Country Club Cockfight

I might not have a date for Valentine’s Day this year, but I take solace in knowing that there’s going to be at least one other person in the same boat as me: Dakota Fanning. She may have captivated some people in movies like I am Sam and War of the Worlds, but I think that Dakota Fanning is an ugly hack who is, amongst other obvious things, very undateable. While there are millions of reasons why nobody would ask this little jack-o-lantern on a date, I will enlighten you with the major ones.

First: Her. She’s a pretentious brat who thinks she’s a cultured twenty-something with the acting skills of a classically trained A-lister. Besides being a bloodsucking little monster, she’s also a one-trick pony who can’t act. But what about that movie where she (gasp) gets raped? Oh wow Dakota, you’re sooo edgy. The movie, Hounddog, was touted as a “dark story of abuse, violence, and Elvis Presley adulation in the rural South.” People are always so in awe of how she “challenged herself as an actress,” but I see this as a lame attempt to be shocking and relevant, neither of which were achieved by her lackluster performance in this film.

Let’s start by noting how her role reeks so badly of “I better get an Oscar nomination for this.” Don’t forget that she’s 12 years old and went from appearing in a movie adaptation of Charlotte’s Web to being raped by some creep in an indie flick. She might as well be ringing a bell while wearing a sandwich board that reads “Oscar Worthy!” When her parents were criticized for allowing their little princess to perform in the film, Dakota took it upon her bite-sized self to hold a press conference where she announced, “It’s not really happening. It’s a movie, and it’s called acting.” Wow Dakota, way to impart your vast wisdom upon us wee little dolts. If it’s fame and maturity that a Valentine’s dater is looking for, he’ll only find a 12-year-old grasping for fame more desperately than Tara Reid.

Second: The bitch is beat. She looks like a gross albino troll. Anyone looking for a Valentine date could go to any playground in America, throw a lollipop, and hit a child cuter than Dakota. She’s bug-eyed, has a mammoth forehead, and is way way way too gawky (that’s ok for people like Paris Hilton, but not for a respectable child star). Her dishwater blonde, sad and ratty anorexic mess of hair is also repulsive. Most obviously sickening, though, are her ever-present braces and Godforsaken palate expander. She talks about those stupid things with literally every talk show host on television. If she’s already been on the show, she makes sure to give an update and some cutesy anecdote that makes me want to rip out her bulging eyes with combat knives. Nobody cares about your stupid palate expander. Also, you might think that you’re pretty because Marc Jacobs featured you in a few of his fashion advertisements, but really everyone just saw them and felt sick — especially me.

Third: Every other child star is better. Way better. If you’re looking to share your Valentine’s Day dinner with someone special, there is an infinite number of better child star options for you out there. She simply cannot compete with the success of the Olsen twins or the subtle acting and brooding genius of Haley Joel Osmond. She also loses in the fans category. Seriously, who has a Dakota Fanning poster? There’s no competing with stars like Hannah Montana whose fans have pretended their father died in Iraq just to see her in concert. Young women do not idolize your thin, limp hair, Dakota, and young men definitely do not salivate over your pale skin (tone it down to the Coppertone Kids 30, please?) or sunken eyes. You always look perma-tired, which I can’t even begin to understand. Aren’t there child labor laws? Doesn’t she work for like, a couple hours a day? What the hell is she doing with the rest of her time, aside from keeping her weight down by eating celery and smoking parliament lights?

To summarize, Dakota Fanning will be dateless tonight because she’s annoying and disgusting. I wish there was time for me to discuss things like her stupid porno first name (that she chose herself—her real name is Hannah) and the fact that she sent Tom and Katie baby Uggs for newborn Suri Cruz, but I guess I’ll have to save it for later. She might be the youngest actress to ever get nominated by the Screen Actor’s Guild, but when it comes to things that matter, she’s a massive failure on all fronts. Dakota has never had a Valentine’s Day date, and I doubt she ever will.

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