Op-Ed
Congress Throws U.S. a Screw(you)ball
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The Absurdity Exhibition
If you want to gauge the seriousness of this country just take a look at Congress. With over 100,000 of our kids getting their asses shot off in a sandbox we know nothing about, our economy mimicking the final wheezes of a dying man, our dollar becoming the monetary equivalent of the Walkman and a depressingly long list of other issues facing our country, our Congress chooses to occupy itself with sports.
I was under the assumption that baseball players were paid to hit a ball with a wooden stick and Congressmen were paid to run our country. But it turns out I’m a naïve little ideologue living in a fantasyland where ballplayers worry about curveballs and legislators worry about governing. In the real America, legislators care less about the problems that could very well bring an end to our reign as the world’s Dominatrix than they do about steroids in baseball and video cameras in football.
The preoccupation I’m referring to is twofold. First there’s the Roger Clemens fiasco, which reached a climax last week when Clemens appeared before Congress in what was probably the biggest waste of four hours in the history of both sports and government. The hearing basically consisted of Clemens refuting both his former trainer Brian McNamee’s and his friend Andy Petitte’s claims that Clemens used steroids, followed by McNamee maintaining otherwise, followed by the distractingly pig-nosed committee chairmen Henry Waxman (D-Calif.) babbling about inconsequential legal nuances, followed by North Carolina Rep. Virginia Foxx (R) asking Clemens such softball questions that the two were borderline flirting, followed by everyone leaving and numerous analysts talking about how pointless the whole thing was. Waxman even admitted the hearings were useless and should have never been held in the first place — an admission conveniently issued the day after the hearings got Waxman’s ugly little mug on every nightly news show in the country.
The second preoccupation is with Spygate, which is both a scandal involving the New England Patriots’ secret videotaping of opposing teams’ signals and probably the lamest scandal name ever. Sen. Arlen Specter (R-Pa.), who used to be sort of cool as a maverick senator but now, in his old age, has become delirious and really should be under some sort of supervision, is leading a congressional inquiry into the Patriots’ actions and the NFL’s handling of those actions. The inquiry is ongoing but some predict that hearings could be imminent as Specter was displeased with his meeting with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. This preoccupation is somewhat more ridiculous than the other because Spygate was a dead issue until Specter brought it up. The NFL punished the Patriots and the scandal had pretty much fizzled out. This has led many to believe that Specter is only pushing for an investigation because his hometown Philadelphia Eagles were beaten by the Patriots in Super Bowl XXXIX. Come on Arlen, you’re a United States senator, do you really have nothing better to do? I’d be okay with, say, the Phillie Phanatic making it his life’s mission to prove the Patriots cheated the Eagles out of the Super Bowl, but not you. I’m even an Eagles fan and I think you’re a joke.
This speaks to a larger issue of Congressional ineptitude. At a time when America needs its government more than ever, it is failing. People are dying in Iraq. The poor are getting poorer. Healthcare is broken. Education is broken. Bridges are literally falling down. In 2006 the American people mandated that their newly elected Congress confront these issues, but that Congress has given us nothing. Whenever Bush asks for more money to fund a war Congress was specifically elected to stop, Congress simply assumes the position and braces for impact with a smile. The saggy-faced, pathetic worm of a Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) and his trusty spineless sidekick Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) have given Bush everything he’s wanted on the war. Bush’s shoes are soaked with the slobber of Reid-Pelosi.
Do your job Congress. Don’t drag in some washed up pitcher and embarrass him on national TV because he realized that he could make millions of dollars throwing a ball around if he just took a bunch of injections. Don’t drag him in order to “send a message to the kids.” The government shouldn’t be condoning steroid use but there are more important things. What kind of message does it send to the kids when we keep fueling a war that has killed thousands of kids and should have never been started in the first place? What kind of message does it send to the kids when three years after a hurricane the poorest parts of New Orleans still can’t get help? What kind of message does it send when our government does nothing on social security, healthcare, education or immigration? What kind of message does it send when Congress is elected to pull us up but just pushes us closer toward the end of an empire? When kind of message does it send when our nation lies poor and dumb and dying and the senior senator from Pennsylvania is worried about a football game?
And they wonder why we don’t vote.
Clemens steroid investigation
Here's a satirical "article" concerning Congressman Waxman and the Clemens investigation.
http://www.newslampoon.com/waxman's nose.htm