Welcome back from Spring Break, I hope you had a good one. Frankly, I think it’s unbelievable that we do not get Monday off too. It’s just the height of inconvenience and inconsideration for students and professors alike—and even the administration—to have to leave their families on Easter Sunday to attend school. Give us Monday off. That’s an easy and sensible change that will go a long way toward making everyone happy.

Speaking of Spring Breaks, this will be, barring some unforeseen circumstance, my very last one as an undergrad at Cornell. Sigh, how four years fly. Alas, this rolling train is coming to a grinding halt in just about sixty days, e-gad … However, until they throw me off, I can still dream of what it’s like to turn back the clock. So, keeping in the theme of par-taying, I’m going to talk about the stereotypical (ahem, what we all know in our hearts is stereotypical) Spring Break of college students, by class year.

Freshmen have this unbendable desire to go on the MTV style spring break. This means go somewhere warm and tropical (preferably where MTV has set up its cameras), get way too drunk, and make just terribly, terribly awful decisions in general. Popular destinations include Puerto Rico, Cancun, Florida, etc. If you stay in the States, use that fake wisely. Getting it taken can be a huge downer…especially because, believe it or not, your friends will almost certainly abandon you to go out on their own, leaving you in some crappy motel by yourself with basic cable. That’s right, basic. It is spring break and you messed up, deal.

Ladies, a word of advice: when going to any bar named after some sea creature (Squid Row, Senior Frogs) or other such nonsense, don't expect a classy gentleman to take you home…This may be a shocker, but Prince Charming is probably not frequenting those joints. Ah, whatever, you’ll be so drunk, it won’t matter anyways. Spring Break, woot.

Regardless of whether you actually had a good time, you will tell everyone that it was the best vacation of your life and that you want to go back. In all likelihood, aside from the warm sun, crisp beach air and that oh so cool tan that looks oh so out of place in Ithaca, it was probably a waste of time and money. The vast majority of people on break with you are out of college anyway (hello Carson Daly and John Norris), a truth that I have always found odd given all the hype. Well, you didn’t just drop over $1,000 to have a bad time and be a Debbie Downer. Nah brah, you just went on Spring Break.

Sophomores convince themselves that the spring break they went on last year just wasn’t done exactly right. So, they’ll do everything they wanted to do the previous year but this time, they’ll do it right … that’s correct, they’ll do it HARDCORE! That means they’re gonna get REALLY wasted (ya dude!), go somewhere even warmer (alright, Rio!) and make the absolutely, positively worst decisions ever (even worse…this is gonna be freakin’ awesome). Girls and boys, remember to bring that condom this year if you forgot it last…semper paratis. I’m just kidding ... but, seriously, no one wants a repeat of that scare from last year, no one. If you spent a grand on spring break last time, you know you’re going to spend at least double this year. It is common knowledge that every extra dollar spent on vacation exponentially increases your enjoyment tenfold.

If after two of these consecutively you did not break a bone, lose a passport, phone or wallet, get what is probably a largely deserved black eye, end up in some weird Mexican jail for a crime you didn’t commit, lose a kidney and/or contract several STDs, count your lucky stars. Moreover, if somehow you are one of those rare beasts (okay, maybe not sooo rare) who managed to do this once and repeat four more years, you are about fourteen times more likely to get AIDs. Look it up, that’s a statistical fact.

Juniors who defy this typical spring break mold often do something either physically or culturally rewarding. Popular destinations on the physical end include Fort Lauderdale for some fun with the always young spirited septuagenarians wake boarding or water skiing, and random warm mountains in the Americas doing nature stuff. Some very eccentric individuals choose to stick to the cold places to ski or snowboard. Going somewhere even colder than Ithaca just goes right over my head…at least I can understand Cancun.

Those seeking culturally rewarding experiences inevitably find themselves in Europe or, perhaps, China. Personally, after watching Hostel, a documentary reinforced by the landmark findings in Hostel II, the uncut director’s version, I am loathe to go across the pond. However, for those students who choose to brave these dangerous places, I hear that the trip can be pretty sweet. And, who knows, maybe you will manage to find true love on your journey. Ladies, his name is Favio and he lives in Florence. Guys, see that tall blond giving you the eye in Sweden? Yup, you know it. She’s the one and she’s smokin’.

Seniors … well, it’s more or less a crap shoot. Some of us do the sophomore thang, seeking to hold in that fleeting college breath, to be without a care, for as long as possible before finally exhaling at graduation. Even now, the idea of losing that feeling is actually profound and already triggers feelings of nostalgia for something not even lost yet. Some do the junior thing and why not? The very real fears of syndicates who will kidnap you and sell your death to the highest bidder aside, it’s pretty awesome. Others confront cruel, harsh reality and prepare to enter the real world by showing their resumes to all the poshest faces in the fanciest places…and for what? I fear we are going to end up being the most unemployed class of students in a long time. Some advice: if you have a job offer, sign on the dotted line RIGHT NOW — owing to the Bear Stearns debacle, a friend of mine had all of eight job offers pulled by various companies. Ouchies.

Still others, exhausted by life and deathly afraid to confront reality, just go home. We make up excuses to not go on vacation (“ugh, so much work!”) and to not try to get work (“with this job market, I’m unemployable”). So, we pretend to do work, go through the motions and waste time … I mean watching every single episode of “In Treatment” on HBO was not really a waste, but still. And like everyone else, we tell people how awesome and relaxing it was to be home … ironically, most people respond with an “I kind wish I had done that” as they point how pale you are. Lame, I am aware. C’est la vie.

Disclaimer: all information in this week’s column came from highly biased and unscientific studies, primarily based upon the experiences of friends and acquaintances of the author. Believe at your own discretion.

Gregory Wolfe is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be contacted at gwolfe@cornellsun.com. It Matters Not, But... appears alternate Tuesdays this semester.