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Awkward Turtle

In honor of the week after spring break, I've compiled a travel guide through the sun-burned skulls of some of my favorite post-vaca characters.

1. The Facebook Pornstar

Her tell: More Facebook albums than tan lines.

Her tagline: "Discretion? Oooh, sounds like a brand of vodka."

The Facebook Pornstar lives by a strict code: 1) detagging is for ugly pictures only, and 2) the wetter the wifebeater, the better the profile picture.

Unfortunately, she is unaware of two vital rules of spring break; first, the Schwarzenegger Law: string bikinis and banana slings are a lot like my Super Sweet 16 — permission by invitation only. Second, The Paris Hilton Act: if you got it, flaunt it. If you got it on film, delete all evidence, especially if you got more booze in your blood than bikini on your bod. The proud men and women of the Adult Facebook Nation publicly pioneer into the gray area between Quest commercials and Girls Gone Wild videos, treading the dark waters between the public humiliation of la Vida Lohan and the X-rated productions of one P. Anderson.

You've probably found yourself partaking in Wikipedia-style mindless clicking through her most recent album, "Spring Break Part 7: G.L.A.M.O.R.O.U.S." Your face twitched with the same sadistic fascination that drives you to enjoy hours of Extreme Elimination Challenge or any post-"Butterfly" footage of Mariah Carey. Each picture out-hoochie-mamas the last: girls pregaming in the shower, guys showing off their downstairs man-cleave; body shots in the foreground of disgusted faces of vacationing grandmoms; body shots taken by ecstatic vacationing grandpops. Look, we've all been there (No? Right, me neither.), but next time you land a 53-year-strong marriage in a two-hour counseling session, detag.

2. Hometown Hustler

His tell: Brand new home-team sports paraphernalia, pasty skin.

His tagline: 716 holla back at me! Whatchyou know about that Mighty Taco, Peace Bridge traffic, and lake-effect snow? I'm from the B-Lo, N.Y., where the only things hotter than our wings are our ladies, and the only thing colder than our winters is the ice on our snow tires' spinners.

Okay, repping your hometown is cool, but you're wearing a pink polo and leather thong mandals (man-sandals), and yet you sound like I did the week after the T-Pain concert. This guy is way too excited to return to his hometown and chill with all his high school friends who either dropped out or never left. He spent his break hitting up all the old stomping grounds and hitting on all the old stomping girls. He swears the local fast food chains top any competitor and has more nicknames for his hometown than for his best friend — who, by the way, owns the local fast-food chain. And, oh yeah, he's completely ruined the novelty of the high-five. If you were born within 30 miles, you immediately understand his belief-system, upbringing, and quirks better than his frat brothers of three years. Blood is thicker than water, except the water that runs through the 716, the 215 or the 617 … you get the picture. The real kicker is that he's actually from a suburb.

3. Pants On Fire

Her tell: Much like the Facebook porn star, the POF's skin shows signs of her having fallen asleep inside a convection oven. But, by some lucky miracle, she displays no discernible tan lines, aside from a blotch of pasty white on her hip that resembles a bunny head, or a heart, or maybe a star. Oh wait — it actually says "lady of the evening." Exorbitant Sun-In usage has dyed her hair a lovely shade of carrot, which plays off the soft orange tint of her face. She is a walking, talking oversaturated MySpace picture.

Her tag line: Spring Break was amazing. I went to Cancun with some of the hotties that were in my court during my third stint as prom queen. I totally made out with Zac Efron. Too bad I lost my camera while skinny-dipping with Kurt Loder.

Excuse me, miss, but it seems your skivvies are aflame. Look, it's obvious you just returned from the sunny beaches of Sun Capsule Plus. No one's going to judge you for spending Spring Break shuffle boarding with your 92-year-old Grandma in Tuscon. In fact, I'm sure she makes a mean apple turnover. But nobody believes that you went on a cruise to Spain with a rowdy posse of nameless childhood friends; In fact, I don't even think there are cruises to Spain. If you really almost got arrested twice, I want some photographic evidence. It's pretty improbable that you'd be the only member of your "party" with a camera, unless you're Amish. If you are Amish, I'm your new travel buddy because Amish kids party hard.

Once, I was people-watching in Olin Café, staring contemptuously at a girl yelling into her cell phone, "No babe, I miss you! No, you're the funny one!" Then her phone rang. And then her underpants started to spark.

4. The Spring Break Study Buddy

His tell: Skin as pale as the pages he wrote, face as weathered as the books he read, and soul as dim as the darkest corners of the Asian Studies Section.

His tagline: The libraries are so quiet over break, you wouldn't believe how much work I got done! Oh, my God — is that a girl?!

Possibly the only Spring Breakers who can actually make you feel guilty, the SBSB is usually found deep in conversation with the WWJD, who happily sacrificed his entire break to hand-feed starving-yet-somehow-diabetic Somalian children and reflect on the meaning of life, "if there is one." WWJD's tell? Look for a halo and an otherworldly glow. Both enjoy listening to your stories about doing dirt cheap tequila shots out of unwashed glasses with a slew of sexy randoms, only to respond, "Well, when I was writing an essay about the impoverished lifestyles of tequila-shot-glass-factory workers…" or simply, "You must have felt really happy, like the happiness I felt after saving the life of a starving infantile Somalian orphan." Don't feel too bad. They're probably hotellies looking to reverse the effects of hotellie karma.

Shannan Scarselletta is a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She can be contacted at sscarselletta@cornellsun.com. Awkward Turtle appears alternate Thursdays.

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