Op-Ed
I'm the King of (a very small) World
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I’ve made it. I’ve arrived. I’m appearing across from the crossword. I’m staring at you while you Sudoku in class. I’m on the page you tear out of the paper when you leave the rest of the paper behind. You might even take me home if the puzzle was hard today but you think you have a chance to finish it. I’m living the (self-centered, opinionated, Cornell student) dream right now, and you lucky reader, are along for the ride. But I’m not here to waste your time. I’m here to find the next generation. I’m here ... because the universe is in danger. Come with me if you want to live.
You see, The Sun is the center of our mini-universe. Love it or hate it, it gets published every day. And as you may or may not know, 16 Sun opinion columnists are graduating this year. The editors were considering running empty space 16 times a week next year, but instead they’ve looked deep into their hearts and decided to give some of you loyal Sun readers the chance to become super stars.
The fame that comes with writing for The Sun is undeniable. Trust me; you’ll be a big deal. People will talk about you. Your face will be in the newspaper. Your employers will be impressed when they Google you. How will you know you’ve really made it? When strangers approach you on Ho Plaza and recognize you, and when your professors say “nice column.” That’s when you know you’re a star, baby. A big bright beautiful shining star.
Face it, while we might all waste our last columns on self serving shout outs and hopeless pleas to remain undergraduates (shout out to Elana Beale’s Slope Song) you are going to miss The Sun’s graduating class of 2008. What writers are graduating? Oh, I don’t know, you might have heard of some of them. For example, next year Bedroom Eyes will be lacking the sexy stylings of the anonymous (HA!) Jenna B. Who is going to fill the pages of The Sun with tales of bedroom debauchery that literally make you shudder, cringe, laugh, get embarrassed, look over your shoulder, see someone you like and then shadily pretend to do the crossword? Who is going to pen the “crusty condom left behind in my vagina” column next year? Not me, that’s for sure.
Time out for a second, I don’t want to get all preachy and forget my main point: I’m writing the column across from the crossword puzzle. 1 Down: “ZZZ.” Put it in pen, baby, I’ve got the answer key. This is like the boardwalk of Sun real estate. The front page? That’s for suckers. I don’t care what happened at the local zoning meeting, I don’t care that seven people in Ithaca have syphilis, I don’t care if Vice Provost Biddy Martin spoke to architecture professors about a crisis in our elementary schools or if a program house hosted an event that was exclusively attended by program house RAs. I want to read about Sex, Drugs and Even More Explicit Sex. This isn’t the real world, this is college.
You might be thinking right now, “This is retarded, any ass could write for The Sun.” And you’re right! Any ass COULD write for The Sun, but not every ass SHOULD write for The Sun. You see, we only want you if you’re smart, funny, incredibly attractive, ridiculously controversial, the envy of all your friends and neighbors, and a good writer.
It’s going to be hard to walk in the large shoes of graduating seniors like Infomaniacs Anonymous’ Ben Birnbaum, or If You Can Keep It’s Mark Coombs. Who is going to heart Huckabee next year? Who is going to make sure Israel gets its 800 weekly words? You could pick up where they left off, or you can go in an entirely new direction. But what’s important is that you man (or woman) up, and give it a try. Otherwise, Any Old Bozo ‘10 is going to get your job. And any old bozo is a terrible writer.
Lets face it, the sun opinion section tends to skew liberal and skew greek. But it doesn’t have to be that way! It just so happens that liberal Greeks apply for all the positions. And again, I can’t emphasize this enough, there are A LOT OF available positions for next year! Are you a conservative, vehement opponent of all things greek? I’m looking forward to reading your column online next year. Can I give it a title? “Olin Cafe Sucks and so Does Trillium.”
But seriously, it’s not that hard. I mean it’s writing. You go to Cornell. I’m sure you’re interested in something. And I’m sure other people are interested in the same thing. Your brain is a deadly entertaining weapon, I know it. So, type up a trial column (750-800 words). Submit it to Opinion@cornellsun.com . If you get accepted, I swear people will think you are famous! And smart! Strangers will Facebook you! Your friends will say, “My hot friend that you never met before likes your column and wants to date you.” That’s called a column crush, and it happens more than you would think.
This is not a slight against the columnists that will continue to write next year, a.k.a. your future colleagues. You’ll be in good famous-people company next year with writers like Katie Engelhart and Shannan Scarselletta (the awkward turtle who I have a not-secret-anymore column crush on). Write a few good columns, and before you know it, you’ll be appearing in the big leagues, across from the crossword, chilling next to the comics.
I’ve done my part. I’ve tried my hardest to get you to write. The only thing I can do now is whip out the ace I’ve had up my sleeve the whole time. Its time for the obligatory shout out to Kurt Vonnegut ’44. He was one of the best fiction writers in American history, is still one of my personal favorite authors, and one of the most famous Cornell Daily Sun Alums. Did he ever write the column that appeared on the puzzle page? No. Does that make me more famous than he is? Probably not, but I can write it. Because it’s my opinion. Today, for one day only, I am more famous than Kurt Vonnegut. Boo Yah.
Charlie Niesenbaum graduated in December from the School of Hotel Administration. He is The Sun’s snack columnist. Charlie can be contacted at cniesenbaum@cornellsun.com.
Listen to Charlie. Kvetch, moan, grouse, gripe, keen, whine and put it all down in 750-800 words. You just might be the next great Sun columnist. Send your submission with a short bio to opinion@cornellsun.com.