For that matter, (the better question for all of us) is Cornell worth $200,000? Now, I’m no Wall Street economist, but $200k is a lot of dough for parents to be throwing around. As I understand it, the actual cost (when interest and lost income is accounted for) is actually a great deal higher. Remember, even if you are on scholarship or financial aid, someone is still paying for you to go to college somehow.

As a knee jerk reaction I am pretty sure that nearly everyone answered my query with a “Yes, of course! Cornell is an Ivy after all. Don’t ask me a stupid question!” Fair enough.

Okay, here’s my offer to you: I’m going to give you $200,000, tax-free and pro-rated over four years. Ah, now I’ve caught your attention! There’s a catch, but there’s always a catch: you can never go to college. No biggie, maybe you won’t miss out on anything. The way I see it, we are paying for two things: an eventual degree from Cornell and the mythical “college experience.” Ah, the unique college experience, I think I will tackle you first.

The college experience and what is special about it is individual to every single different person on this campus but I’ll try to touch on enough things to satisfy everyone. Was it your dream to be in the Waiters? Your slush fund buys you singing lessons. If playing Halo 24/7 was everything you wanted college to be, put Papa John’s on speed dial. You won’t have to interrupt that busy schedule with a prelim. Maybe you wanted to make a bunch of friends or date a ton of girls. Trust me, a fat wallet will go a long way toward both endeavors.

Did you know that 25 percent of college students have had a STI at one time or another? Well, if you wanna go Spitzer style, you can get 100 hours with some very high class women. That said I have a sneaking suspicion they might be too high-class ... yeah, you may have go to a lower tier to get 25 percent college-lucky. On the bright side, you’ll get more hours out of it. Maybe you wanted to go to the bars and party every night. Drink up, party boy or girl, it’s on me if you don’t go to school.

Maybe all-nighters and taking Aderall was going to be your cup of tea. Ah, Aderall, perhaps my favorite part of the college craze. I am not sure what the going rate is, but you can buy a ton of this fun study drug when you have fallen behind from just having nothing to do … In either case, it’s common knowledge that almost any doctor will give you a prescription if you blink. Seeing as a huge percentage of us are on some sort of prescription upper, something tells me that maybe doctors should redefine what attention deficit is.

Next, the academics. Let’s be serious, plenty of kids don’t go to class and get A’s anyways. Cornell is not always so much about the journey of learning as it is about getting the last second miracle decent grade. If you want to really replicate the college intellectual environment, hire a tutor, go to a few book readings and make some intelligent friends — and please make them unemployed graduates who are out $200,000. I promise you will end up just as smart as everyone here. Hey, if you go to the stock exchange with that money, it’ll be a while before even the I-Bankers catch up to you. Poor liberal arts saps like me never will. Oh yeah, according to the American College Health Association, half of us can expect to feel so depressed that we can’t function at some point during our college careers. Too bad the taker of my offer is missing out on college, ’cause that sounds like a blast.

I mean this is ridiculous! What are we paying for?! My freshman year dorm didn’t even have cable and I feel as though every other article I read in the Sun concerns something that is under funded at this school! There is nothing special about all this, nothing that is so terribly unique. In fact, most people gain 15 pounds when they get to school! Between binge drinking, all-nighters and unhealthy living, I bet college takes a decade off life expectancy. The “college experience,” this necessary rite of passage that we all must go through, is a fantasy and a pretty bitter one at that. Unfortunately, about 15 percent of us are paying $200k for long-term depression, another 23 percent for drug dependence and about 25 percent for an STI in a party bag. Talk about a raw deal!

In the end, the only thing we are buying that is worthwhile is a degree. The rest is either overpriced or undesirable. The college degree is not a job getter (and it’s pretty good at that) so much as it is a one-time ticket into high culture or, dare I say, American aristocracy. It means you are always perceived as one of the smartest people in the room — and, regardless of what he does with the rest of his life, you will be perceived as being a great deal smarter than the chump who took the money. So, is college worth the money? Sadly, the ability to enter the elite of society is probably worth whatever anyone charges. Perhaps I am discounting the impact of the intellectual atmosphere of Cornell as an educational center. Yet, based on the degree to which people skip classes, study from just books and still do well, I do not think that I am.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved my college experience at Cornell. I really did — and, since I am still here, I am going to say I’m not guilty of looking through the rosy lens. Was it worth $200,000 though? Well, the degree I hope to get next month is. But for the experience? Eh, it was a plus, but that’s a lot of money. And a lot of people are paying for some pretty negative consequences here. What a world, paying to do work!

Sadly, this will be last column. I hope you enjoyed them at least a little because I have enjoyed writing this column more than anything else that I have done at Cornell (that’s what she said) and want to continue after I graduate under the Moniker “From Beyond the Grave” but feel as though the Sun is glad to be rid of me. Let’s face it, this year-long experiment has been a disaster … but, it matters not.

Gregory Wolfe is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be contacted at gwolfe@cornellsun.com. It Matters Not ... appeared alternate Tuesdays.