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Good Night and Good Luck, Without the Pretension

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Heartless, Not Stupid

(Well maybe a little bit of pretension).

My Moniker:

I have been called many things at Cornell — including slick Willy and karate chop awesome to name a few — but the alias most often used to categorize me since joining the Cornell American in 2004 and the Daily Sun in 2006 has been “right wing nut job.” I just wanted to let the Daily Sun readers know, all 8 of you, that, to quote Ann Coulter ’84, I am perfectly sane … the rest of you are crazy.

This column has actually survived through two monikers: John Manetta Once Told Me and Heartless Not Stupid. I cannot, in good conscience, take credit for either one of these monikers. During my first year as a staff writer for the Cornell American, Jim Schliferstein (need a spellcheck), a Daily Sun writer who thought he was a pirate, called for the immediate firing of John Manetta from the American staff, citing his gross “irresponsibility. All of us at the American got a very big kick out of this, considering John Manetta was a pseudonym for several different writers, including myself. The joke of it all — which, come to think of it, is not nearly half as funny now that the American ceases to exist independently — was that I was telling myself. I know … comedic gold.

Andrew McIntyre unintentionally created my second moniker. While having a political debate with his girlfriend, she attempted to argue something ridiculous—I fail too recall exactly what it was, most liberal policies are ridiculous. After finishing my rebuttal, Andrew was swift to tell her: “Come on Ksenia, Billy’s heartless; he’s not stupid.” I had my moniker changed that week.

Confessions:

One of the key themes to my column and the conservative movement is personal responsibility. Criminals should pay their debt to society through the justice system. People should work hard to provide for themselves and their loved ones; no one, especially the government, owes you anything. And finally, everyone should admit to their mistakes.

In order to show that I’m not a hypocrite, I will lead by example. Here is a list of the various youthful indiscretions that I have committed, while at Cornell — though there is no legal proof that I committed any of these things, sorry officers.

Mom, dad: I started the fire in the bathroom in 5th grade, while playing with matches. There was no dark, mysterious figure running away.

I have hit and/or crashed the following people’s cars without telling them: Vishal Patel, Noah Mencia, Chris Holmes, Scott Brenner, Jon Bridges, and Drew Mcaleenan. Jason Burnham — everyone else knows him as Jason from Jason’s — I also hit your Mercedes RV, while drunk driving from work one day.

I was, in fact, not 25, 26 or 27 years old during my freshmen through junior years. I apologize to the courteous staffs of the Collegetown bars for wasting your time when you kept turning my fake ID down.

I was first anonymously mentioned in The Sun as a freshman. I was the kid who purposefully wet himself at the gorges and jumped in anyway. I have urinated publicly many times. Actually reader, you should probably move over a little bit … no my left.

I owe that one freshmen girl I talked to at that one party that one night during Orientation week an apology. I did not finish fourth in the national spelling bee. Adrien Grenier is not “a close friend.” But I swear I won Global Guts as a sixth grader. I actually have a piece of the Agro-Crag up in my room; you should come check it out.

You’re Welcomes

You’re welcome, Cornell: this place would have been nothing without me. You’re welcome editorial staff: I made your section look good (well that and Sudoku). You’re welcome Slope Media. You’re welcome mom, dad family. You’re welcome ladies. You’re welcome sarcasm: I’m the best at you. But seriously, thank you to anyone who is still reading.

6 Word Memoirs:

If anyone has not purchased Not Quite What I was Planning: Six Word Memoirs by Writers Famous & Obscure, put down this column and get to the book store. If not here are some from my friends and me:

Hope my obituary spell awesome correctly. I’m not drunk just naturally fun. Drunk daily, wasted money, not time. My hypocrisy knows no bounds - Wyatt. Lived like he’d die tomorrow, did. Peed pants, laughed hard, that order. Always liked stealing candy from babies. Key to life drink early, often. Gorge jumping replaced my swim test. 25 most scene? Couldn’t care less. He’s a liar, loves the attention. Ran out of ideas at “correctly.” Don’t tell me people read this.

Never had girlfriends, just alarm clocks. Still friends with all my exes. Broke up often, bought many flowers. I met her at the bar. Met them all at the bar. Should have gotten a gym membership. Shouldn’t have cut my hair drunk.

Irish-Catholic: must have iceberg of guilt. Beth and Dill made me Catholic. I’m the first Buh, sorry Bridges. Craig Maybee better Catholic than me. Mom, dad, thanks for bone structure. Six little sisters; teen boys beware. Noah Mencia that includes you too.

Achieved good grades, learned very little. Gov. History major, of course unemployed. Twiddling thumbs still get everything done. Earthquake! Professors probably shouldn’t talk politics. Never learned why the sky’s blue.

Clinton Obama catfight, loved every minute. Sorry Liberals, I will never lose. Mike Wacker next great conservative columnist. Never been timely, but always timeless. Thank you for playing, good night.

Bill McMorris is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be contacted at bmcmorris@cornellsun.com. Heartless, Not Stupid appeared alternate Wednesdays this semester.

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