Editorial
Berry Patch: Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Provosts
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We’re in a nominating mood this week at The Sun. Even though we’re not soaking up the hope in Denver (the business department told us something we couldn’t understand about “spending money”), we can feel the love from here. And our boy Barry has us kvelling. (what a mensch!). In the spirit of shameless electioneering — and on the heels of C.U. communications chief Tommy Bruce’s email blast soliciting nominations for the University’s chief academic officer — The Sun’s crack team of chain-smoking management consultants came up with a list of folks we’d like to see as provost. Not all of them are full professors, but all are Cornellians. Now see if the so-called “selection committee” can do any better.
Bill Nye ’77, Science Guy
Say goodbye to the swim test, and hello to a mandatory course on baking soda and vinegar volcanoes. This is, we admit our most inspired choice. And who can resist, really, Bill Nye’s Mr. Wizard goodness? The downside: all freshmen have to wear bowties.
Zamboni Dave, Costume Director
This is the man who grooms our fair Lynah Rink — and wears a different dinner-theater-caliber costume to every home hockey game. The heart and soul of Cornell, Dave would revitalize the academic experience at Cornell, with a whole new department devoted to the study of those curse-laden chants. Go Red!
Edward Rulloff, Brain in a Jar
Like they tell you on the campus tour, the psych department houses the brain of Edward Rulloff, the notorious local serial killer whose name now graces a Collegetown bar. Due to the most recent Real Scientific Advances, his brain will be reanimated and given speaking privileges. And who knows? Maybe a dead guy will actually make a better pick than the administration for the freshman summer reading project. We wouldn’t be too surprised. Last call, anyone?
David Harris, Interim Provost
David Harris is young, talented, and has been shaking up the provost’s office since his days as vice provost for social sciences. Which might be exactly why the University’s put out a statement saying he’s out of the running. To spend more time with his family. Seriously? That’s the oldest excuse there is. We’re watching this one. And wondering why such a good candidate is sitting the search out.