You Should Lose Five Pounds
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There's a Reason You're Single
September 4, 2008 - 11:00pmSo, Who Am I?
This past summer while working in New York City, I decided to take a Friday afternoon off. My dear friend and Eclipse’s esteemed editor Leigha Kemmett had invited me to Gramercy Tavern for a drunken lunch date. After our cocktails and bottle of wine — and really good lemon risotto — Leigha made an offer I couldn’t refuse (even though I perhaps should have).
“We need a new advice columnist for Eclipse. Will you do it?”
I was pretty sure she was joking. Or just wasted. After all, I’m generally uninterested in other people’s problems. Generally, disinterested people don’t proffer the most insightful counsel. However, she assured me that her offer was sincere, despite the bellinis and cabernet. She thought it could be funny…
And so, here I am.
I don’t want to have a theme for this column. Other than the theme of awesome advice. Luckily, I’m really good at everything, so that shouldn’t be a problem. This isn’t just a relationship advice column, or academic counseling or a therapist hotline. Hit me up with anything. And make your questions honest and funny. K thanks.
A
Dear A,
I met a guy during O-Week, and he’s pretty great. First couple of times we met we were both out with friends so there wasn’t really much alone time. Until last night. A few shots in and an hour of giggly talk later, we started hooking up.
Pretty awful. I’m no hussy but I’ve had my fair share of samples and I know too much tongue when I feel it searching for my small intestine. Is it time to terminate, confront, or suck it up — literally, all of the saliva that a mouth can produce?
Ever thine,
“Maybe we should just talk instead”
Dear Maybe,
He sounds like a very legitimate guy (pre-makeout). Time to fully assess the situation.
If you want a friend with benefits, look for one more closely suited to your lady needs. Peace out, throat pirate. However, your question suggests you’re looking for a bit more. So do you sit back and hope it gets better next time or confront him? Both.
Give it another go. Maybe it wasn’t a representative sample. Perhaps he was nervous or had tried one of those “Five Hour Energy” drinks for the first time. Otherwise, try to see if the situation’s fixable. There is an art to kissing, but it isn’t rocket science.
If a relationship is something you want — and you know his skills need fixing before that can happen — give him a sense of how you feel after an especially good talk. If you two are not on the same page, call it a day. If you are on the same page, grab your balls and proceed with a gentle confrontation when the moment seems right. Probably back on his couch, you naughty, naughty girl.
By keeping mum, you’re not maximizing the potential this guy might have to satisfy you — in your pants and in an honest relationship. And by bringing up the issue in a non-threatening way, you communicate that you like him enough to stick around while he tries to improve the kissing.
To some extent, you should be glad you’ve encountered a “problem” so early on. Having this talk with him will give you some insight into how he responds to your needs, your feelings and the ways you express them. If he is whiny and defensive, he can hook up with himself. If he responds maturely, there might be something there.
XOXO, A
Dear A,
I don’t have time to go to the gym, but I know I look chunks in my JAP tights. What should I do?
Admiringly,
Thunder thighs
Dear Thunderson,
It sounds like the issue is that you’re too fat and have poor time management skills. I’d recommend hot water and the vegetable crudités from Trillium. Do sit ups and squats while you watch Grey’s.
When another situation this puzzling presents itself to you, please call EARS.
Love, A