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There you have them. Art.com coupon codes. They will come in handy in a few weeks time when you go to the Cornell Store to get a poster, see the lines, and think, “Holy fuck, is Ezra autographing the Cornell history book?” Nah. You just got poster sale'd.

Don’t worry about it.

Let’s go way back and think about the history of room ornaments. You’ve your basic floor decorations: carpets, rugs, DDR mats. Then there’s ceiling details, like that sandpaper crap that falls on you when you touch it. Now, wall decorations? Well, there are wall rugs I suppose. But what about when you want to really give your walls some fashion? Adhesive posters are useful here. They let others know whether or not you like music. They tell others that you know about Pulp Fiction (It’s a cult movie. You can only join the cult if you have the poster). They are on sale.

Now, you will walk into the Cornell Store, looking for your favorite bands, still-lifes, travel destinations. You don’t expect to find anything there. I mean, you have so many likes and there’s really only so few posters a college store can stock … wait … look at that. They have that obscure poster you wanted. Wow, what a coincidence, must be your lucky day that they got that one with the prism and the light going through it. Well, continue on. I doubt you’ll find anything else. Wait, what’s that? Oh man! They’ve got the one with those four dudes in various corners and psychedelic coloring. Damn! Two obscure items of pop-culture that you appreciate, and now you’ve got posters of both! Adhesive too! Oh man, I feel your excitement. Now all you need to do is find that one with the hands drawing themselves. Doubt you’ll find it at a store, though. Unlikely too many people know about it. You’ll probably have to order it somewhere online. And it’s probably so obscure you’ll have to get it from some website that doesn’t recognize cash as a form of reparation. Damn. But it’s worth it. Just to look at those silly hands, not knowing that they’re drawing themselves over and over again. They make me laugh too. NO! THE CORNELL STORE HAS IT! YOU ARE SHOCKED! YOU ARE OVERJOYED!

But soon your joy will turn to sadness. Your mind will mull over the possibilities.

“How is it that this store, tiny compared to my vast and diverse ocean of interests, can house physical manifestations of these objects … of … of my very ideas?” you’ll ask yourself.

“And it taunts me … the store taunts me as if to say ‘I know how you like it. Yeah baby, I know just how you like it. And I’m gonna give it to you. All week long baby. Twice a year.’ Why, it’s like I’m living in some sort of crazy dream where my interests are known and marketed to on a global scale. Either that, or I’m part of the Matrix and it’s malfunctioning. Better get that poster, too, by the way.”

In a few students, this has triggered an existential jihad, usually resolved with a declaration of a philosophy major (that’s how they get you). Most kids, tired of fighting a fight with themselves, just buy more shit. They console themselves with the fact that their poster will probably be the only one of its kind in the building. Well, that’s unlikely. But it’ll probably be the only one of its kind in the room … unless it’s a double. But, it is definitely the only one of its kind on the 8’ by 10’ wall.

Personally, I felt that such a canvas was too small to limit myself to minimalist, prepackaged art. Picking between Dali and Hawaii at Sunset wasn't enough individuality for me. If it’s not for you either, you can create your own poster. Mann library prints them. If you don’t want to explain what you’re printing, you can order one online. How much more individuality could you want?

I was unsatisfied by the lack of things at the Cornell Store that are truly me, so I decided to custom-order something to express myself on a wall. I picked my favorite photo of actress Kristen Bell (Heroes, Veronica Mars), and got it blown up. It kicks ass. When I wake up, I roll over, look past my girlfriend, and see her smiling at me, like she wants to say, “Good morning, honey. I love you just as much as I did yesterday, but not as much as I will tomorrow.” It makes me want to go get an education, so I can get a good job and provide for my young family. People have become jealous. They stand in my doorway, ogling her.

“Nice, huh?”

When they go back to their rooms and look at their Radiohead posters, they must feel numb. Do they exact those feelings out of their posters? Radiohead has millions of fans, and has used millions of trees to produce their overhyped music … I mean, posters. I live with four other people. There’s ten Radiohead posters in my suite. There’s one Kristen Bell poster like mine in my suite. In the world. Kristen Bell doesn’t have such a poster of herself. Do the math.

Yevgeniy Feldman is a sophomore in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be contacted at yfeldman@cornellsun.com. That Really Grinds My Gears will appear alternate Mondays.