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How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love My Butt

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The Shocker

Take a deep breath and prepare for this.

ANAL SEX.

There. I said it. People have it. For a sizeable chunk of the population, it’s the preferred method of doin’ the dirty. And if you didn’t know yet, plenty of straight folks are enjoying the devilish act of sodomizing their lovers in ever-increasing amounts. So now, please, as a community, can we get over it and move on?

… No? Oh, all right.

But if we’re gonna talk about butt-lovin’, we have to at least mention the “eeew!” factor and HOW RIDICULOUS IT IS THAT THERE IS STILL AN EW FACTOR.

I’m sorry. That was uncalled for. We’ve all had butt hang-ups at some point or another. It makes perfect sense: butts get a bad rap. We sit on them, we fall on them, we hate them when they’re too big or too small, not to mention that they’re where we… you know… poop from. Guh-ross. It is perfectly understandable that we have issues with anything going in or around our butts. It just doesn’t have to be that way!

Now, I almost feel an obligation to write this article. Anal sex is, after all, THE taboo. That’s an out-hole, not an in-hole! Thousands of straight men and women (and I’m gonna go out on a limb here and assume that most of you reading this are straight) put their cheeks on lock-down at the very thought of anal play.

For women, it’s “dirty.” For men, it’s “gay.” Interestingly enough, most of those men really wanna stick it in their fearful lady friends’ butts, but it’s “You can’t put your finger there!” when it comes to tickling their own tushes. It’s a strange dichotomy like so many other things in life, but it comes down to this: Don’t let anyone play with your ass unless you can play with theirs. It’s only fair, right? Besides—and here’s the rub of this whole thing—anal stimulation can feel really, really good. Why would you want to let someone else miss out on all the fun?

I’ve had my own issues with letting someone get up close and personal with my behind. All those nasty but legitimate concerns reared their heads: Butts stink, and that’s gross. Butts are dirty, and that’s gross. And seriously, we poop there, THAT IS GROSS. And then I found a solution: A Shower. I know, crazy, right? But here’s the thing: if you’re concerned about letting someone near your stank-ass butt, all you have to do is take a shower. If you’re really, really concerned, go buy an enema. For five bucks, it’ll give you the clean you never knew you wanted and are still a little unsure of. So that takes care of the cleanliness issue. What about the big gay panic?

Guys: You have a veritable magic button in your butt. It is called a prostate. Now I obviously can’t speak from direct experience, but second-hand accounts and first-hand fingering tell me that when you let someone wiggle a little lubed-up finger into your booty, you can expect magical things to happen. So if by “gay” you actually mean “incredibly orgasmic,” then yeah, buttsex is tots gay.

OK, so maybe you’re not ready to actually insert something into your butt. You have to begin your journey to anal-slutitude slowly and carefully, anyway. Which means you can’t expect to go home a bastion of anal purity today and shove in anything even remotely as large as a penis tomorrow. If you do try, use more water- or silicone-based lubricant than you ever thought you could possibly need and for goodness’ sake, use a condom if that’s actually a penis (or a shared toy) you’re working with. Those are delicate tissues there, people, much more so than on the parts you’re used to playing with. They can tear easily if there’s not enough lubrication or if you go shoving things in there too fast. So USE CONDOMS, because STIs can really fuck up your day.

Let me suggest something to ease your way in that is much less potentially painful but much more frowned upon than a cock in your ass: the rimjob. There are a thousand different euphemisms for analingus, but they all boil down to licking an ass hole. And if we’re so disturbed at anal play in general, then putting your mouth on a butt can squick you out pretty hard.

But listen. Keeping in mind the “shower” concept, there really isn’t that much of a difference between going down on an ass or a penis or a vagina. And just as you would use protection when you go to lick the genitals of your choice, grab yourself a dental dam or some plastic wrap or even cut up a latex glove to make yourself a neat tongue sheath, and go to town.

Boyf and I started on the road to anal awesomeness via the rimjob. The thought made him way uncomfortable (see aforementioned reasons) until we actually talked about it and agreed that right after a shower, it was perfectly fine. Now it’s a pretty regular and always intense experience. Sure it took us a while to be comfortable with even mentioning it. Like any new thing, it’s a little strange to bring up and stranger still to actually do for the first time.

By denying ourselves certain acts just because they initially make us uncomfortable or because we think they’re gross, we limit ourselves severely. Wouldn’t you rather know you don’t like something than always wonder if you would, if only you had the guts to try it? This coming Wednesday after Fall Break is Love Your Body Day. So take some time then to breathe deep, stop worrying, and love your butt.

Liana Mancini is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She can be reached at opinion@cornellsun.com. The Shocker appears alternate Thursdays this semester.

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