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McCain Threatened by Airway Obstruction

Don’t Kill the Messenger

Last week, presidential candidate John McCain choked on a big fat Viagra pill. From the comfort of my own home, I watched in horror as the dear old geezer coughed and stuttered, his cheeks flushed and his doe eyes brimming with confusion and panic.

They say the greatest sign of insanity is when you repeat an action over and over, expecting different outcomes. Once again, (this time during the second presidential debate), McCain was asked to account for his tacit approval of health insurance companies who cover Viagra for men but not birth control for women.

He’s made the mistake before. But maybe he figured that blabbering like an idiot … again … when asked the question would make the big bad journalists go away for good.

MAVERICK. MAVERICK.

I’m sorry. Sometimes I can’t help myself. Yes, we’ve all heard it. McCain the Maverick. The Republican Rebel. John, the bad boy of Capitol Hill. Throughout the election season, McCain has touted his allegedly moderate voting record, selling himself as a child of the center.

But when it comes to healthcare for women, there’s nothing moderate about this severe Senator.

As a Canadian, the issue of healthcare is one that I like to bring up whenever possible. Acting morally superior to you because my country has universal healthcare is one of my favo(u)rite pastimes. This weekend, after the Engelharts tucked in to a hearty Canadian Thanksgiving meal of organic, free-range Turkey and butter-drenched turnip, we all sat around watching Michael Moore’s 2007 film, Sicko, which examines the shortfalls of the American healthcare system. Something about the combination of fatigue-inducing tryptophan and good old Canuck conceit made watching the morbid documentary a truly gratifying activity.

But the ‘universal healthcare vs. privatized system’ debate is not the whole the picture. This election, the issue of healthcare reform is being turned into a vicious partisan battleground. In the midst of it all, Mr. Maverick has proven himself ready to take up arms in defense of the radical right.

Caught in the middle, once again, is Jane Doe America.

The frightening thing is, people don’t seem to realize how very extreme Mr. John McCain can be.

We all know the Republican Party line on abortion. But did you know that Mr. John McCain, the moderate maverick, voted to eliminate the Title X family planning program, which provides women with access to healthcare services like birth control … and breast cancer screening?

Talk about abortion is drenched with references to God and divine authority. But denying low-income women access to mammograms…?

Are tumors just God sending us little nuggets of his love?

And, for McCain, lauding conservative views about “the rights of the unborn” is easy enough. But try telling that to the sixteen-year-old rape victim who would have to miss out on college so she could spend her days breastfeeding a baby who had the same facial characteristics as her attacker.

Earlier this year, when McCain was pressed about whether or not he voted against a proposal that would require insurance companies to cover the cost of contraceptives, he buckled under the pressure — “I don’t know enough about it to give you an informed answer because I don’t recall the vote […] I’ll try to get back to you.”

Let’s not hold our breath.

Of course, I can’t deny the ever-charming Lady Alaska her fair share of the blame.

There are probably few things worse than getting raped. Yep. Getting raped is bad. But getting raped in Wasilla, Alaska, when Sarah Palin’s in charge, is worse.

Let’s not forget that when Palin was mayor of Wasilla, the town started charging sexual-assault victims for the cost of their rape kits and forensic examinations. Republicans pride themselves on tackling wasteful government spending. Ap­parently, Palin took this mandate to heart, saving her fine town a few thousand dollars a year by kicking her most downtrodden, demoralized, and exploited citizens when they were down.

Candidate for women my [female] ass.

It’s hard to even draw a parallel. That would be kind of like if a huge hurricane hit and the infrastructure collapsed and people suffered great emotional and physical loss … and then the government made them shoulder the financial burden for it. Oh wait …

Luckily, in the case of Wasilla, the state was there to intervene. In 1994, that silver fox, Joe Biden, rolled in with his Violence Against Women Act. A few years later, Alaska’s State Legislature stepped in. But what happens if Palin makes it to the top of the food chain?

Yes, debate about abortion is often predictable. But the water gets murkier when we add factors like rape or incest to the equation. And, as this election proves, even issues as mundane as mammograms can wreak partisan havoc.

The worst thing is that, in the context of economic meltdown, we’re not pressing the candidates as hard as we should be. McCain needs to account for his voting record. Palin must address her behavior as Wasilla mayor. The duo’s healthcare plan has blatant sexist undertones. But we’re too busy following our investments to even notice.

According to a poll commissioned by Planned Parenthood of 16 “likely battleground states,” more than 50 percent of women are unclear about McCain’s views on reproductive health. And when these women are informed of McCain’s true views, a lot start to question their support for him.

Comedian Sarah Silverman urges young Jews to take part in “The Great Schlep,” visiting their grandparents in Florida to persuade them to vote Obama. Should us gals get on “Daughter Duty,” making sure our mothers know what a Republican government could mean for their healthcare coverage?

Too much is at stake for women this election year for us not to be on guard. American staples that we all presumed were sacred, like Roe v. Wade, are now being threatened.

All I know is this: if McCain is elected, I’m starting a new charity to prevent the next Supreme Court nomination from being left in his hands. It shall be called the “Keep 75-year-old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg Alive Fund.” Mandate: secure funds to divert towards researching whatever ailments inflict Judge Ginsburg. That dear old women’s advocate won’t be croaking on my watch!

My friends, John McCain is choking on a big fat Viagra pill. Let’s give in, do the Heimlich maneuver and save the old fart before he goes stiff. But after that … I think it’s time to demand some straight talk.

Katie Engelhart is a senior editor at The Sun. She can be reached at kengelhart@cornellsun.com. Don’t Kill The Messenger appears alternate Thursdays.

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