While investors on Wall Street and Joe Six-Packs on Main Street continue to fret about the current state of the international economy, my focus has turned to the Cornell Athletic Department and its lack of both sound financial judgment in determining hockey ticket prices and of mathematical fairness in choosing line numbers.

If this crisis on Cornell’s campus somehow became a core issue with voters in swing states, and I moderated a debate between Barack Obama and John McCain, I think it would play out like this:

Alva: Good evening from Bailey Hall on the campus of Cornell University in Ithaca, New York; I'm Mitchell Alva. Welcome to this fourth presidential debate, sponsored by the Commission on Presidential Debates.

Tonight's debate is the only one with a Cornell Athletics focus. Neither the commission nor the candidates have seen the questions. The audience here in the hall has agreed to be polite, and attentive; the only exception in the hall is right now, as it is my privilege to introduce the candidates, Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois and Sen. John McCain of Arizona.

[Candidates enter, shake hands, wave, and smile. McCain does not look at Obama]

Gentlemen, at this very moment tonight, where do you stand on the crisis at Lynah Rink?

Obama: Well, thank you very much, Mitch, and thanks to the commission and Cornell University for hosting us tonight. I can’t think of a more important time for us to talk about the future of Cornell Hockey. The amount of unsold student tickets to Lynah Rink this year is a final verdict on the failed Athletics’ policies of the last three years, strongly promoted by Athletic Director Andy Noel and supported by the entire department. It essentially says that we should keep hockey ticket prices high for students no matter the product on the ice, and we should ignore the fact that the most dedicated fans have no more opportunity to sit where they want than an average one. The theory is that hockey has always drawn fans, and students have always been willing to pay. Well, my fellow Americans, it hasn’t worked out like that. The team’s relative mediocrity, high ticket prices, and a convoluted system for getting tickets are driving away once faithful fans. Thanks to the new Big Red Sports Pass, fans are able to attend every single non-playoff sporting event free at Cornell University, except for hockey. We need a hockey ticket bailout package.

Alva: Senator McCain?

McCain: Well, thank you, Mitch. Thank you, Cornell University. Senator Obama, it’s good to be with you here on this beautiful campus. My friends, this question goes to the heart of America’s worries tonight. Hockey fans are angry, and they’re upset. The hockey system is broken, and it’s our job to fix the problem. It’s no coincidence that my campaign slogan is “Fans First.” I have a plan to fix the problem, and it has got do with lowering ticket prices. All hockey ticket prices across D-1 schools are low. Let’s not raise prices on fans again here. When I discovered that athletics was so greedy in raising prices from around $100 five years ago to $234 this season, even though it is receiving SAFC funding again, I immediately suspended my campaign to visit the brave and honorable fans serving their second or third tour of duty in the line. Students on the front lines told me that Cornell hockey tickets are the second most expensive in D-1, more expensive than Boston College, North Dakota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Michigan St., Denver, BU, Miami Ohio, and every single other team in the ECACHL. The majority of these teams have seen more success with their hockey programs than Cornell has, yet they all charge their fans less money, and many are free. Ticket prices are too expensive, and we all know, my friends, that until we stabilize them here in the heartland of America, we’re never going to start turning around and creating confidence and excitement in this team. If elected, I promise to go line by line on every piece of SAFC athletics funding legislation to stop these pet projects, which benefits only select sports tickets.

Alva: So Cornell charges one of the highest prices in the entire NCAA for hockey. What else is wrong Senator McCain?

McCain: Well Mitch, I’m no math major, I’m no miracle major like my good friend Mike Huckabee, and I don’t understand economics well, but what I do know is that the method Athletics uses to choose line numbers is also flawed. One of my chief advisors, Professor Paul Velleman, told me that by choosing the numbers digit by digit (as opposed to the entire number at once), it is, and I quote, “Distinctly unfair if you are above 1,000.” By using their system, if they gave out exactly 1,000 numbers, then number 1,000 would have a 50% chance of being chosen. The system isn’t fair unless 1,999 numbers are given out. In addition, by not selling out tickets, the entire purpose of the line is defeated, as there are more seats available than fans looking to purchase tickets. Hockey fans who worry about this mess are not whiners, they’re realistic. The whole entire process has to be reformed. I have a history of reaching across the aisle between Sections B and C, and I’m the person to do it.

Alva: Ticket prices are too high, and the process for getting tickets is broken, obsolete, and despised by fans. Senator Obama, as President, what would you do to fix this mess?

Obama: Well Mitch, it starts with lowering prices for student fans earning below $250,000 a school year and bringing back general admission seats. Coach Schafer’s three goals upon returning to Cornell’s campus in 1995 included packing Lynah Rink for every single game. That isn’t happening. We need a meeting, without preconditions, between students, administrators, and Athletics Department representatives to get everyone’s ideas and concerns on the table so that we can hopefully one day root in a more exciting Lynah Rink.

Alva: Well that concludes tonight's debate from here in Ithaca. We want to thank our hosts here at Cornell University and the Commission on Presidential Debates. Thank you, Sen. McCain. Thank you, Sen. Obama. Good night, everyone, from Ithaca.

Mitchell Alva is a junior in the School of Industrial and Labor Relations. He can be reached at malva@cornellsun.com. Give My Regards to Davy usually appears in Sports.