Taken by the Tube
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See and Be Scene
November 14, 2008 - 12:00amWant to know how you know you have no life? You have shows. Television shows. Shows that you must watch every week lest something crucial happen that has an enormous bearing on your existence. Lesbian fornication at Seattle Grace and Audrina’s big move are some such monumental events.
Despite tending to the occasional real-world responsibility, our hunger for the ’tube is insatiable, and with channels that span higher than we can count, it’s near impossible to find that there’s “nothing on.” Between reruns, reality shows and movie channels galore, it requires minimal effort to piss away an afternoon. In a time when DVR is a way of life, missed episodes of favorite shows are rarely more than a remote click away. And with technology like Apple’s video iPod, you might just find Dexter Morgan in your back pocket. What to do, however, if you can’t splurge on the newest technologies? Pirate a season off the Internet — all the cool kids are doing it. Just remember, it’s HDTV or bust.
For serious television addicts, weekly shows are do or die. It is more than likely that the hourly extent of such individual’s television intake pushes the double digits each week; other commitments and responsibilities are easily dispensed with for the sake of Family Guy. Interestingly, there exists a hierarchy among our plethora of TV preferences. While I might be willing to postpone Gossip Girl for the sake of, oh, hell, my academic responsibilities, there’s nothing standing between McDreamy and me on a Thursday night. While I’d never reduce Vinny Chase to a 13-inch computer screen, Tyra and the Top Model crew could probably hack it. With but human attentional resources and waking hours to allocate, it is important to choose wisely.
In addition to the time spent watching our favorite television programs, we devote an unreasonably large portion of our attention to reading about our favorite characters. It is these stars that give Perez Hilton something to talk about, who fuel the E! network with the garbage required to adequately pollute my brain. How else is a girl to know what Jessica Alba eats for lunch? Where Nicole Ritchie does pilates? That Kim Kardashian’s badunk was too intense to be dancing with any stars? Without such smut to busy ourselves, we might find ourselves learning, studying and working a whole lot harder. Good thing we’ve got On Demand.
Severe laziness appears to be one negative side effect of our addiction to TV. Like a nation of addicts, our lives, interests and schedules are determined by compulsive television viewing. There are those who won’t get up until the game is over and who won’t go out before Hank Moody bangs at least a stranger or two. We can’t even work out at Noyes anymore without the Food Channel on two televisions simultaneously. Didn’t we once have things to do, books to read and people to interact with? Sure we did, and we still do! We just make sure to do it all during commercial breaks. While we may once have been more interesting, active and creative, we surely haven’t lost it all; Leanne will be all of these things for us on Project Runway any day of the week.
While the constituent parts of our uniquely perfect television diets may vary, there is definitely some commonality among Cornellian viewers. Everyone knows that Ari Gold will be making an appearance on a given Sunday evening, but how many closet freaks out there are really watching True Blood? Would your mother be upset to know you’re thinking of Fucking and Punching? Whether you’re a conformist who has finally picked up Lost in its fourth season, or think you’re cool for realizing It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is the best show on television, it’s undeniable that such programs have come to structure our existence.
While we may variably pursue high marks, extracurricular activities and watered down bar drinks, television remains a constant in our lives. TV viewing has come to pervade our existence, dominating not only the programs we watch but also the materials we read and the conversations we have. Unfortunately for us, however, for the smart kids we are, we watch some pretty dumb shit.