Day (1): University President David Skorton convenes a massive meeting on Libe Slope, with every department in attendance. “The Goal,” he announces, “is to have fewer than five departments standing in 500 days. I don’t care how you guys figure this out, just do it fast!”

Day (12): After a week of timid encounters among various academics, the English department, smelling fresh meat, is the first to strike, absorbing Comparative Literature. The surprise aggression shocks the University at large.

Day (14): Inspired by their friends across the channel, German Studies prepares for battle by re-militarizing the Temple of Zeus Café.

Day (15): A package from Ithaca arrives at the Weill Cornell Medical College in New York City. A card attached says “From the Entomology Department, with love.” Upon opening the package, killer bees take down the med students and faculty.

Day (18): German Studies invades White Hall, through McGraw, conquering the Polish and French departments. Meanwhile, AEM and Econ reveal their secret alliance, conquering PAM.

Day (20): Martha Van retaliates, when the Fiber Science and Apparel Design majors wrap Mann library in ultra-strong fabric made from carbon nanotubes. Communication surrenders, projecting a PowerPoint onto the walls of Warren Hall, showing an animated white flag.

Day (25): Recognizing their comparative weakness, the physical sciences band together with ECE and Mat Sci to take down the biologists, who have invaded Riley Robb, forcing the BEEs to evacuate to the Dairy Bar. Ice cream production has been halted.

Day (100): The phys-sci / ECE / Mat Sci alliance has conquered the remaining Engineering departments, and a giant battle is being waged on Alumni Fields. Scientists have harnessed the particle accelerator, aiming harmful radiation at Weill Hall. In response, the biologists have created powerful hybrid warriors: half human, half dairy cow.

Day (120): Computer Science shuts down Information Science with a powerful virus. English is on the move again, holding a slam-poetry session outside Sibley, forcing the architects to their knees with their terribly structured verses.

Day (150): The architects have surrendered to English, and are preparing to wage battle on the Arts Quad against the History / Government / ILR alliance. HumEc seizes this opportunity to invade the ILR complex and then proceeds to launch tacky shower curtains at the Statler.

Day (180): Barton Hall’s roof opens to reveal a small fleet of stealth bombers, built by the surviving ROTC department: the Air Force! The planes then destroy the Engineering Quad and biology buildings. Physicists flee underground, as the chemists prepare to destroy Barton. Astronomy points Arecibo at Barton Hall. The telescope has been retrofitted into a powerful laser.

Day (200): Computer Science has hacked into Space Sciences and has seized control of Arecibo. Anticipating this move, Astronomy takes one for the team — hitting the self-destruct button. Meanwhile, the chemists are caught by the Air Force officers and are forced to surrender. Unbeknownst to both, the particle physicists are burrowing under Barton to aim their radiation at the last surviving department on the Arts Quad: Fine Arts.

Day (300): Yes, Fine Arts is the last field in humanities left standing. Long ago, I.M. Pei was secretly instructed to install a powerful robot for just such a battle to the death of Cornell departments. Fine Arts knew they were vulnerable, and so they wanted a giant weapon built right under the noses of the unsuspecting Arts and Sciences. During the Sibley-Slam-Poetry-Massacre, the Arts Faculty removed a particularly bland Rothko painting from the wall in Tjaden, to reveal a secret tunnel to the Johnson. Once inside, they headed up to the top of the tower, where a secret control room awaited them.

Today, they have powered-up the Johnson Museum, which has become alive and is now walking through the Arts Quad, destroying Olin Library with its laser of pure antimatter1.

Day (330): After an impressive month surviving inside Olin Library, the food supplies in Libe Café have run dry, and the History department has surrendered to Fine Arts. The Johnson-robot has moved on to Uris, where the Computer Science department took refuge after the bombing of the Engineering Quad. Mean­while, Fiber Science and Apparel Design has finished its seizure of the Statler and will soon have conquered the Business School using remote-controlled designer ties they sold the MBAs several months ago. At the flick of a switch, the ties have come to life, strangling the unsuspecting grad students. With Sage Hall down, they have moved on to the Law School.

Day (333): The Fiber Science and Apparel Design warriors finally meet their doom at the hands of the Entomologists, who infest Martha Van with cockroaches. Distracted by this fashion faux pas, the unsuspected sartorial suckers are taken down by the AEM / Econ alliance, who throw a frat party for “networking” purposes and proceed to destroy FSAD’s sewing machines of death.

Day (380): Drunk with power, AEM turns on Econ, and the two annihilate each other on Bailey Plaza. Meanwhile, the computer scientists attempt to conquer Psychology by hacking into Uris Hall, only to succumb to the mind control of Prof. James Maas, who puts them to sleep. Fine Arts’ Johnson-Robot then proceeds to destroy Uris Library. Chimes masters flee in terror.

Day (440): The psychologists launch their rats on Comstock, effectively destroying the Entomologists’ arsenal of deadly insects. They surrender in terror. But the unsuspecting psychologists are thwarted when a small band of surviving astronomers crash the Spitzer Space Telescope into Uris Hall. Prof. Steve Squyres commands the Mars Rovers to climb the walls of the Fortress that is Myron Taylor, bringing down the Law School.

Day (490): Surprise! Feminist, Gender, & Sexuality Studies has been hiding in the closet this whole time! They seduce the ROTC officers into an orgy, and Air Force is removed from the fight by “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”

Day (495): The remaining astronomers have been taken down by the Johnson-Robot. The Fine Arts killing machine, however, was caught by surprise, since the physicists’ grant to extend the particle accelerator had just been approved, and its powerful radiation could be turned on the Johnson Museum.

Day (496): The Johnson-Robot’s laser vision locks into the particle accelerator’s radiation. The two groups destroy each other in a flash of interdisciplinary combustion.

Day (500): Alone and confused all the way on the far side of Campus, the Vet School surveys the carnage that was Cornell University. They will rebuild this beloved institution of higher learning, but this time as the world’s first feline university. To the victors go the spoils. And the catnip.