The biggest story of July 2007? Lindsay Lohan’s three consecutive stays in rehab. The biggest story of July 2008? The birth of Brad and Angelina’s twins, Knox and Vivienne. The biggest story of July 2009? The nasty breakup of some random couple with bad hair.

The saga of Jon and Kate Gosselin has gripped the nation for the past several months, for no apparent reason. They have surpassed such standbys as Brangelina, TomKat and Linsday Lohan as 2009 tabloid favorites. Their divorce has attracted more attention than every political sex scandal for the past few years put together.

It’s been months and their star continues to rise inexplicably, despite the fact that their divorce is certainly not recent news. Asymmetrical-bob wigs and Ed Hardy shirts proliferated this Halloween, as millions imitated this formerly D-list couple’s truly heinous sense of style.

Even though I vowed to ignore this irritatingly dull story over the summer as it began to unfold, it keeps buzzing around People and Us Weekly like a giant fame-whoring fly. I am finally forced, therefore, to submit and jump on the Gosselin train.

When I think about Jon and Kate, one question pops to mind again and again: Why? Why are they so popular? They’re just a regular couple that happens to have a bunch of kids. Most of my friends never even watched their TLC reality show, Jon & Kate Plus 8. I made it through 20 minutes of breakfast-table temper tantrums and group shoe shopping before I switched channels from sheer boredom.

As far as I could tell, no one else really cared, either. I don’t know a single person who rushed to the TV every week to catch the Gosselin family’s latest shenanigans. So who cares if they’re getting divorced? OF COURSE they would get divorced — they have eight kids! That’s bound to take a toll on any formerly healthy marriage.

As I slogged through five months of insipid coverage — Jon started it! Kate started it! Jon has a new girlfriend! Jon won’t be on the show! — I tried desperately to solve the Case of Jon and Kate. Why were they so huge this year, when in past years no one cared about flash-in-the-pan reality couples and only wanted to hear about superstars? Then I figured it out — just like everything else that’s hot in 2009, Jon and Kate are “recession-proof.”

As America sinks deeper and deeper into the economic crisis, celebrities seem more and more out of touch. Formerly huge stars like Brangelina, who spend their days jet-setting and performing magnanimous acts of philanthropy in third-world countries, are no longer relatable to those of us who are worried about finding or keeping jobs, paying the rent on time, or even having enough to eat. Their glamorous lifestyle no longer seems exciting; it just depresses us to read about them in the tabloids.

While Brad and Angie’s joy over their beautiful twins may have been a huge story a year ago, this year us jaded recessionistos and recessionistas would like to hear about something a little more close to home. Jon and Kate, as repellent as they may be, act as a microcosm of our society — a stressed-out, beleaguered couple going through a divorce.

We follow their saga like we’d watch a car accident: We’re appalled and repelled, yet we can’t take our eyes off of the scene, and we can’t help but feel grateful that we’re not going through the same nightmare. Only in a recession would such a story as a bitter divorce among a not-particularly-glamorous couple enthrall us for as long as this has. When the economy picks up, I’m sure our thirst for godly superstars will return, and our obsession with this average-Joe couple will finally fade.