I really hate tourists. I hated having to be one while studying in Italy, and I hate every camera toting, fanny-pack-wearing, Nuts-4-Nuts eating tourist in New York. Despite my antipathy toward foreign sightseers, there is one type of tourist whose presence does not offend my sensibilities: the college visitor.

Throughout our years in school, we beg friends at universities around the country to make their way to Cornell. We want to show them how much we love our lives here; they meet our friends, eat at our restaurants, drink at our bars and sleep, well, hopefully somewhere more exciting than our couches. After a weekend of debauchery, we hope that they understand why it is we like this place so much.

I write this article because my big, bad brothers arrive tomorrow, and I don’t know what to do with them apart from eating and drinking too much. How do I prove to them how much fun I have here when their alma maters are notoriously rowdier and a whole lot warmer. Tulane has drive-thru daiquiri shops; need I say more? How do we demonstrate the awesomeness of Cornell to anyone? While I personally have the time of my life some four nights a week, I find that non-Cornellians can be skeptical.

So, what do you do to impress visitors who aren’t your parents (and who don’t have to love you anyway)? The pressure can be daunting, but I’ve come up with a few ideas.

Start by taking them to a sporting event. Oh, wait. I must’ve forgotten that no one cares about sports here — Cornell sporting events don’t hold a candle to those of the Big Ten. This could be because the Ivies don’t grant athletic scholarships, but would a lacrosse championship really make a difference in the lives of most Cornellians? Even those who do make it to Schoellkopf generally understand that one’s spectatorial duties end with the tailgate. Don’t blame the fans, though; it’s not their fault they have to get home for the Michigan game.

Well, there goes Saturday afternoon; that, and the Farmers’ Market has closed for the season. What’s a girl to do?

I can always distract them with a CTB pitcher or some Stella’s Bloody Marys. Hey, some people are easy to please.

As for the night, it’s a good thing Collegetown has plenty of bars from which to choose. The sad truth, however, is that the presence of visitors means a night at the sweatiest bar in C-town. Though the underage bouncers are complete jerks, there’s no better way to show visitors the best of nightlife that Cornell has to offer. With broken bar tables and freshmen all around, this place (that shall remain nameless) is likely where you’ll find me come Saturday night.

The hardest part about hosting visitors is explaining that the bars close at a measly 1 a.m. Clearly, we find enough late night fun to keep us from transferring. However, there are no two ways about it; unless I find after hours (that do not include Green Café), I’m screwed. Until closing time, I’ll pray for a classic late night dance party.

You’d think, at the very least, that your guest finding someone to go home with could serve as consolation. Unfortunately, and unfairly, we at Cornell are not known for our looks. While I beg to differ, reputations can be harsh. At least we’re hotter than the Harvard girls, right?

Finally, we’ve got the weather to deal with. As you know from my last column, I’m no fan of the ruthless Ithaca cold. With winters as cold as hell frozen over, Cornellians have no choice but to lie about the extent of winter terribleness. It may be the first weekend in November, but I’m praying for some deceptive November sun.

In the face of the challenge to prove Cornell cool, I’m pretty sure I won’t have a problem. Cornell-deprecating as I may appear, I can hardly wait for my brothers’ arrival. Be­tween the vineyards, the apple orchards, great food and a ton of hippies, it’s about time to show them what we’re all about. Despite our lack of major sport dominance, late-night bars, media-grabbing good looks or sun, we at Cornell have a damn good time. If your visitors can leave with at least that in mind, then you’ve definitely done your job.