Welcome back to the cold, heartless city of Ithaca. While you were gone, catching up on sleep and partying in your basement, the Cornell administration traveled down to the dirty Jerz’ to partake in all of the guilty pleasures that the infamous Jersey Shore has to offer. With the economy still down and the weather not getting any warmer, Cornell’s top brass took the remaining $3,183.48 in the University’s checking account, bought a ton of Axe, brand-new kicks and wife-beaters, got some killer spray-tans and rented a house on the boardwalk. (We smell a reality show, MTV!) Now they’re back, and they’ve got a whole new look. Introducing the new, juiced up cast of the Cornell administration ...
David “The Body” Skorton
To prepare for big pending decisions, The Body spent the break bulking up to gain confidence when facing the Board of Trustees. With his new look, he’s given up his suit for jeans and a muscle shirt that he can lift up to reveal his abs at a moment’s notice. How else would he get the ladies back to his (read: the top secret Statler) hot tub?
Kent “The Operation” Fuchs
When he’s not getting in knife fights outside of Karma, he’s busy cutting costs and slashing extremities in the budget. Once that budget’s done, it’s going to be out cold like a [anecdote omitted because of pending legal action].
Tommy “DJ Juice” Bruce
Spinning a silicone-perfect version of Cornell like it was a bangin’ house music beat, DJ Juice keeps the press releases spotless and his hair gelled to near blow-out proportions. Watch out because this smooth-talker can spit some serious game.
Susan “SWOWW” Murphy
After her break at the shore, expect SWOWW to take her job — which includes overseeing the University’s Greek system — a bit more seriously. Rumor has it that she’s going to be beatin’ up the beat all over campus like nobody’s business.
Mary “M-Cat” Opperman
A brief stint as a saleswoman at a t-shirt shop on the shore imbued M-Cat with some managerial skills she plans to take to heart. From now on, all retirement packages will be two-for-one, and all salary offers 50 percent off.
David “The Impact” Harris
The Impact has added a new abbreviation to his lexicon — GTL — that’s gym, tan, library. Now that he’s free of his interim-Provost duties, he’s been kickin’ back at the shore.