Last night was my version of Christmas. I wish I were kidding. I think my roommates are about to have my head with how much I talk about commercials and how I refuse to acknowledge the fact that while yes, we do have DVR… no, I will not fast forward commercials. So with what little qualification of being an advertising maniac I have, here’s my commentary on the commercials that stuck out in my brain during my last night’s binge (aka the Super Bowl).

Snickers “Celebrity Sack”: I think Betty White is simply darling. That’s why I loved watching her attempt to play football and then get floored. The whole theme of the ad is perfectly captured with the dialogue,

Football Jock: “Mike, what is your deal man?”

Betty White: “Come on man, you’ve been riding me all day.”

Other Football Jock: “Mike. You’re playing like Betty White out there.”

Betty White: “That’s not what your girlfriend said!”

Conclusion: I want Betty White to be my grandma. But I’d settle for Abe Vigoda (who later gets tackled in the ad) to be my grandpa if Betty and I don’t work out.

Focus on the Family “Tim Tebow”: I’m glad they attempted to make a pro-life commercial lighthearted. Because making the decision of whether or not to keep the baby is a lighthearted subject. I know it’s a great celeb endorsement, but who advertises for this during the Super Bowl? Proper product placement, people: Know your target audience. I’m fairly certain that bros watching the Super Bowl are pro-Morning After Pill. Maybe Plan-B should be advertising here instead. [ED NOTE: Here, here. No one wants to name their baby after Peyton Manning. -J]

Denny’s “Screaming Chickens”: Anthropomorphic animals really creep me out in commercials for food. I want to eat my meat, not see it personified (anybody recall the McDonalds commercials where the chickens dance into the factory and then magically come out as All White Meat Chicken McNuggets? Just me? Cool.) ANYWAY. Denny’s more or less successfully averted my internal dilemma of “Animals are friends … not food … but they really ARE food, I just don’t want to think about it.”

Taco Bell “Charles Barkley”: Cringe. In the past month, Taco Bell has gone from promoting its Drive-Thru Diet to now having Charles Barkley dawn multiple horrendous outfits, rapping (stating? Speaking lyrically?) about the “five-buck box” and it does not rock, no it does not rock. This commercial is pretty abysmal. The Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box is 1270 calories and the Volcano Box is 1380 calories … I’m not saying I don’t want to eat these things, but T-Bell has quite conflicting motives when Christine Dougherty’s seems almost genuine about her weight loss.

Bud Light “Voice Box”: T-Pain came to Cornell and the concert was sub-par. Like… people-asked-for-their-money-back sub-par. Yet for some reason he’s been blowing up and I’ve got to say, making fun of T-Pain/promoting T-Pain doesn’t get old. So when I saw “Voice Box,” it was like an electronic version of “WASSAAAAAAPPPPP” that I don’t have to fear my mom quoting via text messages.

Boost Mobile “Shuffle Remix”: I am so confused. How’d they get the ’85 Chicago Bears to do this? Why did they get them to do this? Why is one of them getting a spray tan and the other is wearing a cheetah-print thong? I’m concerned for these dudes. Ohhhh, recession.

Kia “Joyride”: It’s really difficult to get car commercials to impress me, yet the Kia Sorento ad rocked. Maybe it’s because I’d still like to believe that stuffed animals have a secret life that I don’t know about, and this ad portrays one that is way wilder than any double-life I could have imagined growing up. [ED Note: You may like the idea of stuffed animals with separate lives, but when I think about stuffed animals with secret lives, their secret lives involve them creeping into my bed in the dead of night and killing me. -J] It’s outrageous. I mean… no commercial with that bangin’ of a song (“How You Like Me Now?” by The Heavy), with a sock monkey riding a mechanical bull can end badly.

And now for the shorts:

Dove for Men “Life”: Why are there sperm and babies at the beginning? Too many babies for a men’s soap ad and/or any men’s product.

Careerbuilder.com “Casual Friday”: Unattractive naked people are gross. Gross is hilarious.

Cars.com “Timothy Richmond”: Wasn’t this on last year? Fail.

FloTV “My Generation”: Why did I have to hear this song from a commercial and not from The Who? Also, I want one of these Zoolander-sized TVs. Enjoyed all of these ads.

Emeril Nuts & Pop Secret “Awesomer”: Sweet disco unitard. “Awesome+Awesome=Awesomer” is pretty much the awesomest statement.

Bridgestone “Your Tires or Your Life”: This one was a little rapey.

(Note: This blog also ran in the Feb 9 print edition of The Sun.)