Every week, Top 10 counts down topics including music, TV, fashion, books and more.
10) “Whatcha Say” by Jason Derulo
Jason Derullooooo loves his cat calls. Imagine if everytime you shouted your name — “Allie Beth Millller!”— and then anything you said afterwards was responded with, “Whatcha say?” That relationship would get really old really fast. But what would kill the relationship fastest would be whatever’s falling out of the roof, “When the roof caves in and the truth comes out.” What’s Jason Derulo hiding in his roof that would cause it to collapse? Jason Derulo: mafia
9) “Today Was A Fairytale” by Taylor Swift
Oh Taylor, every single song you record sounds like a fairytale! As told by an 8-year-old. But why would your fairytale ever just be, “He wore a grey t-shirt … I looked a mess.” Huh? Someone should have higher standards or higher self confidence. See a Disney movie for reference (since you like being rescued so much, try Sleeping Beauty). I blame Twilight. Didn’t that werewolf dude she was dating wear a grey t-shirt in the movie? Did he rip that shirt off before or after ripping out the hearts of preteens everywhere?
8) “How Low” by Ludacris
You know you’re a superstar when your name becomes an act: “Let me put some Luda in it.” At least he’s not going around singing, “Let me put some BIG Luda in it.” That’s an honest dude right there. Plus, when half of your song is a riff on a chant played during a limbo contest, you should at least have a conga line in your music video (which is extremely creepy and basically a mixture of Pan’s Labrinth and a home invasion).
7) “Bad Romance” by Lady Gaga
I get that half the song is written in GaGa (Rah-ah ah ah ah! Roma-roma-mama! Gag-ga-ooh-la-la doesn’t translate to anything in any language), but since when do people wear leather to the beach? “I want your leather studded kiss in the sand.” It just sounds uncomfortable. What sounds even more uncomfortable is that she “want[s] your ugly ... want[s] your disease.” With the crowd that hangs around Lady Gaga, that sounds like a horrible culture of diseases worse than an STD clinic.
6) “Rude Boy” by Rihanna
Paging Chris Brown! Rihanna called and she’s still pissed at you. Even with your bombing stardom, she’s totally attacking you in this song. “Come here rude boy / Can you get it up? / Come here rude boy, boy/ Is you big enough?” So Chris Brown’s rude, has E.D. and has a small dick. Pretty sure he cringes every time he hears this song.
5) “Need You Now” by Lady Antebellum
Things seem to be working out for this booty call up until you hear, “I’m a little drunk and I need you now.” Yeah, that’s pretty desperate and now I actually FEEL like it’s a booty call. And is Hillary Scott working as Charles Kelley’s wingman, or is it a mutual thing in the song?
4) “Do You Remember” by Jay Sean ft. Lil John & Sean Paul
The beginning of the song has Jay Sean and Sean Paul randomly screaming out whatever comes to their heads. “Hey Jay Sean! Sean Paul / Yeah! / Lil Jon! / This one right here is for all the ladies / Ladies! / Who want to take it back / Alright! / Holler at them Jay.” It took me a good seven listens to decipher what it is that Lil Jon is mumbling about and yet I still don’t understand the lyrics. What are the ladies taking back? Their stuff? That would explain why Jay Sean was hollering at them.
3) “Sexy Bitch” by David Guetta ft. Akon
I’ve never been to France and haven’t consulted a travel guide, but if David Guetta is the French ambassoder of musical culture, I guess it’s a compliment to be in the same sentence as his “neighborhood whore.” Or at least to be called a “damn sexy bitch.” I doubt going into Johnny O’s and walking up to a girl and calling her either one of these things is going to get you her number.
2) “Tik Tok” by Ke$ha
This song is a doozy. “Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy.” As a very funny parody of Dr. Drew on YouTube said, “P. Diddy is not your friend.” So how do you know what he feels like? Someone’s been stalking P. Diddy (connection to Jason Derulo’s mafia gig?). And why do you go after guys who “look like Mick Jagger.” Is it the lips? Or that’s he’s rich? I guess Ke$ha has to be a gold digger. The tip-off was the “$” sign in her name.
1) “Nosy Neighbor” by Akon
Do I even need to comment on this one? “My binoculars on/ Alone staring out of my window / I see the best creation of woman that I ever saw in a long time (long time) / Some say it is wrong / But what if she knows that I am spying on her / Would she strip down naked and entertain me / Oh my god she’s doing it / Taking it off [x5] / She’s getting naked [x4] / She threw her shirt (off on the floor) / Then threw her bra (off on the floor) / Then threw her skirt (off on the floor).” Akon has clearly done this before. Isn’t this enough evidence to put him away in a nice cell away from windows? Everytime I hear this song, I just want to pull up my shirt a little bit or at least wear a turtle neck. Congrats Akon, you have officially sung the creepiest song ever. RLD