Taurus (April 20 — May 20): Memories of the year might overwhelm you this week — stop reminiscing like a drunk and make a scrapbook with smelly stickers instead.
Gemini (May 21 — June 20): Like a clown learning to ride a unicycle, you seem to be falling over and over again. But this week, you’ll finally stay up (at least until you start drinking on Thursday).
Cancer (June 21 — July 22): You’ve been awfully mysterious this last week. Time to shed some light with a friend before they shine the spotlight on you like a bank robber caught in the act.
Leo (July 23 — Aug. 22): It’s a good thing you got a job because you are flat broke. If your bank account were in the hospital (I know, that’s a stretch), the doctor would have announced the time of death a while ago.
Virgo (Aug. 23 — Sept.22): You spent the entire semester working until you wanted to cry. Time to enjoy the benefits and do the “I don’t have work” dance for all your lazy friends.
Libra (Sept. 23 — Oct. 22): Don’t be afraid to ask for help this week. People forget how to ride a bike all the time ...
Scorpio (Oct. 23 — Nov. 21): Prepare to know the barrista’s name at CTB this week. You’ll be shotgunning coffee to get all your work done.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 — Dec. 21): You should have your own advice column, since everyone’s asking you for your opinion. Just remember: Friends don’t let friends drink Keystone. Ever.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 — Jan. 19): You’ve been getting some really bad vibes from a friend. Time to kiss and make up before it’s too late.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 — Feb. 18): You’re feeling adventurous this week. Do not attempt to do a backflip or any stunt while drunk.
Pisces (Feb. 19 — March 20): This week you’ll feel insanely stressed and wonder why you didn’t go to class more during the semester. Your schedule will clear up by D(rinking) Day.
Aries (March 21 — April 19): You have been feeling charitable lately. I recommend donating to the World Wildlife Foundation (WWF) to save the panda bears (they are endangered you know). RLD