Virgo (August 23 — September 22): This week, you will surround yourself with people who care about you. Aren’t cannibles such charming individuals?
Libra (September 22 — October 22): You were born under a lucky sky and this week, you will bring the greatest success to those that invest in you. Grow protozoa, grow!
Scorpio (October 23 — November 21): This week, you will find money in your pants pocket. This will excite you until you realize that they are not your pants. Then you will just be scared and confused.
Sagittarius (November 22 — December 21): Lately, you have been starting more fights then a member of the Tawanise Parliment. Tone it down a bit.
Capricorn (December 22 — January 19): This week, you will play it cool. This will lead to your significant other not wanting to snuggle with you out of fear of freezer burn.
Aquarius (January 20 — February 18): Lately, you have been putting a lot of effort into your school work. Sadly, you signed up for the graduate level class and have been reading the wrong book.
Pisces (February 19 — March 20): This week will signal the end of a long term relationship for you. Bye-bye Trillium, hello Manndibles!
Aries (March 21 — April 19): You will partake in a love affair with an icecream sandwhich this week.
Taurus (April 20 — May 20): This week, you will find a new nemisis to battle aganist for the rest of the semester.
Gemini (May 21 — June 20): Lately, you will feel like you are getting burned by everyone and everything. It would be best to invest in a pair of oven mittens.
Cancer (June 21 — July 22): This week, you will be greatly relieved when you discover that Leonardo DiCaprio was actually not on the Titanic.
Leo (July 22 — August 22): Lately, nothing seems to be going your way. Stay away from your skinny pants because this will only lead to a rip in your self confidence.