Muffin Maniac

Okay, it's time for something to be done about the lack of packaged blueberry muffins on campus. Not only are they the only source of breakfast I'll ever consider eating, but when I'm on the run and don't have time for a full lunch, blueberry muffins are my salvation. SO WHY ARE THEY SO DAMN HARD TO FIND?! I wait until 12:15 in the afternoon, the only muffins left in Libe Cafe are "Banana Nut" and "Morning Glory." Like seriously, who in your life do you know who has ever eaten a banana nut muffin?! I once made the mistake of purchasing "Morning Glory." Let me tell you, there was nothing glorious about it. Someone affiliated with Cornell Dining, PLEASE tell whoever is in charge of stocking the on-campus eateries to order more blueberry muffins (looking at you, J.R.). And while I'm on the subject, who can I talk to about bringing back the Cornell-made chocolate milk?! — A.K.B.

Gustbuster 3000

Cornell students may be able to swim three laps and read a book the day before orientation starts, but there's a life skill that students are desperately lacking that I think the University should promote: umbrella etiquette. If you really find it necessary to pull out your six-foot diameter, Cornell-embossed umbrella when the sky decides to lightly spit, for the love of God, watch where you're going. Your feet may only take up a third of the sidewalk, but your umbrella does not! — L.M.

Street-Parking Felon

Major props to the Cornell police for giving me that $50 parking ticket last week. You guys may be totally oblivious to all of the underage drinking and other illegal activities that take place at Cornell, but at least you can spot a car parked next to a fire hydrant from a mile away. Maybe you could use all of the parking ticket money I've given you to build more parking spaces in C-Town ... Nevermind, that would make too much sense. — C.B.

Greek Goblin

Why is everyone acting like Cornell has just decided to kill orphans for shits and giggles with these new policy changes in Greek life? Am I missing something? Or do we really not have better things to do with our lives? — S.C.