As the Master of Mixology, I continuously experiment with various forms of libation to find inspiration for my writing and provide you with new drinking experiences. In the pursuit of sexiness, I have traveled the world, sacrificed my dignity, and become learned in the ancient art of beveRAGEing, using your education as my justification. But what happens when I put down the bottle and stop drinking? In the past two weeks, several incidents have come together to significantly lower my BAC, completely compromising my alcoholic integrity.

Firstly, my esophageal lining continues to heal from the Four Loko-induced battle wounds it suffered on behalf of your readership last time we spoke. Combined with the common cold, my ability to consume alcohol has been seriously endangered. Sprinkle in some prelim madness and a dead computer and there ain’t no drank in this cup.

Where am I going with all this? To be perfectly honest, I haven’t been drunk in so long that I really have no idea what to write about this week. I’ve got nothing. Sorry. I know that together we can get through this frightening sober moment. This too shall pass. In the meantime, here’s a list of some recent sober adventures that I would recommend if you find yourself less than slizzard on a Saturday night:

• Watch others get hammered – While drinking with your friends is a standard practice of social interaction, not drinking while others do, makes for an equally entertaining experience. This past weekend I observed as my infinitely refined friend Trashley funneled from a dong bong and slurped up spilled Four Loko from a carpeted floor. She then proceeded to confess her profuse love for my “bulge.” Classic. As an added bonus, you yourself can pretend to be drunk once others are sufficiently schwasty to forget that you are in fact not. Wake up hangover free. I suppose you can pretend to be hungover as well. But then you’re just a liar.
• Be a real American – Friday evening I joined my roommates for what I believed would be a World War II weapons demonstration at their professor’s home - In fact, it turned out to be my freakiest Friday in a good while. In the wilderness of Ithaca, a group of actual soldiers presented my hoodlum friends and myself with a selection of rifles and live rounds, had us shoot at water jugs and power lines, and fed us barbequed turkey, all in the name of America and higher education. Supervision – minimal. Patriotism – maximal.  
• Late Night Laundry – because nothing screams “IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!” like a dirty hamper and roll of quarters. Sexy, sexy.
• Go see The Town – it’s pretty good. Did you know that Regal Cinemas now delivers mini-hotdogs to your seat? Life changing.
• Wash your car – Haven’t actually got around to that one yet.
• Discover the original Wegmans – For whatever reason, I found myself in Pittsford, New York the other day, home to the best of the best: the original Wegmans. Enormous and delicious.

 I need a drink.