Libra (September 22 — October 22): This week, you will ignore a good opportunity. You'll be kicking yourself later when she hooks up with your friend and she's awesome.
Scorpio (October 23 — November 21): This week, you'll feel nervous about an upcoming event. But everyone gets nervous clipping their nails- you'll make it out ok.
Sagittarius (November 22 — December 21): Lately, you've been noticing strange signs. Like a red hand holding up 5 fingers when you go to cross the street. What's that about?
Capricorn (December 22 — January 19): Lately, you have been caring about the well being of a loved one. But sometimes you just have to lock her in a looney bin and chalk it up as a loss.
Aquarius (January 20 — February 18): This week, you will be more cautious then usual. But that's expected since the sudden disappearance of your lucky rabbit's foot.
Pisces (February 19 — March 20): Lately, you've been whistling a happy tune. In reality, you're pretty tone deaf and it's driving the rest of us crazy.
Aries (March 21 — April 19): This week, you will find much luck in your future career. Or at least that's what your fancy suit is saying. If you can't make money, at least look like money.
Taurus (April 20 — May 20): Lately, you have been leading your loved ones into the arms of another. That other is the Big Red Bear.
Gemini (May 21 — June 20): This week, you will wonder why you try. Then you will realize that you don't try very hard at all and that explains a lot.
Cancer (June 21 — July 22): Lately, you have been feeling charitable. That stops when your roommate tries to eat your Thai food. Hands off!
Leo (July 22 — August 22): Lately, you have been a day dreaming fool. But who ever said it was a dream at all? (Cue Inception trailer music)
Virgo (August 23 — September 22): While your heart is hurting this week, it's not heartache. It's just heartburn. Yay Tums!