Why do Sundays have to be so painful? Isn’t a week’s worth of class punishment enough? While I suppose one cannot have their cake (their delicious tequila drenched cake) and eat it too, a hangover free world would be such a wondrous place. One can dream.
By virtue of being the Master of Mixology, I am also the Master of the Hangover, reaching new levels of physical and mental incapacitation on a weekly basis, mourning the loss of yet another weekend of beveRAGING with a fiery migraine, an outraged stomach and the thirst of a thousand deserts. Hangovers absolutely murda me, coating me in a glaze of sweat, dehydration and fear. As I sit here writing this, I feel like a stale dragon trapped in a dark cave of emotion. I’m pretty sure that my eyeballs are laminated. The library lights are blinding, the chimes are deafening and the sorority spandex is extra frightening. Shockingly, Wikipedia claims that 25-30% of drinkers are resistant to hangovers. For the 70-75% of you who I do not hate, I present a collection of my greatest hangover cures, guaranteed to speed up your post-game recovery and prepare you for all future festivities.
The 2-Nap-Banana Cure
Perfected over the years, the 2-Nap-Banana Cure is the ultimate hangover destroyer, bringing with it clear thoughts, happiness and a new feeling of self-worth. Although it is slightly time intensive, the 2NBC has never failed me.
Step 1 – Awake hungover, miserable and completely dysfunctional.
Step 2 – Drink two glasses of water, brush your teeth, get back in bed.
Step 3 – Take nap #1. After awaking from nap #1, it is entirely possible that you will feel worse than before. Do not panic – this is normal.
Step 4 – Eat a banana and down a bottle of Gatorade. Pee if necessary. Get back in bed.
Step 5 – Take nap #2. Awake.
If you have done everything correctly, you should emerge from your slumber feeling fresher than the day you came out of the womb. Welcome back.
The OJ-Cranberry Advil Quick Fix
½ glass Cranberry Juice
½ glass Orange Juice
Advil Liquid Gel
While not as effective as the 2-Nap-Banana, the OJ-Cranberry Advil concoction still do a worthy job of salvaging your day. Combine juices and seltzer in glass. Accompany with two Advil Liquid-Gels. Repeat every four to six hours. It’s likely that a residual glaze will remain even after ingestion, but you’ll definitely feel better and it’s frikkin delicious.
The Keystone Crush
As all frat-stars around the globe know, one of the best ways to get over a hangover is to simply get drunk again. It’s fairly scientific so I won’t get into the details. Pick the Keystone of your liking – Ice works faster, Light is less risky. Crush it. Ultimately unsustainable, this method works in the short term, leading you to simply forget that you were hungover at all. Employ on special occasions.