Scorpio (October 23 — November 21): This week, you will be feeling extra charitable and summarize all of your friend’s class reading. This will lead to a huge drop in next week’s charity.

Sagittarius (November 22 — December 21): Lately, you’ve been on top of your game because your sticking to your principles: always eat breakfast.

Capricorn (December 22 — January 19):   Lately, you have been wanting to hit the dating scene, but your papers are cockblocking you.

Aquarius (January 20 — February 18): This week, you’ll lose your girlfriend to a guy who can actually sit through a chick flick.

 Pisces (February 19 — March 20): 

This week, in your spare time, you will incur a terrible debt by drunk dialing the Home Shopping Channel.

Aries (March 21 — April 19): This week, you’ll petition to get your tution money back for the wasted hours in your boring lecture. Sign me up.

Taurus (April 20 — May 20): Lately, you have regained your fear of clowns (thanks Conan).

Gemini (May 21 — June 20):This week, you will find out that your friends are not considering you for a threesome. Time to find new friends.

Cancer (June 21 — July 22): Lately, you’ve been wondering how Ke$ha can make her dreams come true, but you can’t even get a job?

Leo (July 22 — August 22): This week, your stomach will feel quite inflated. Talk to a financial advisor to bring down the interest.

Virgo (August 23 — September 22): This week, you should call up John Mayer and start the “My Stupid Mouth” club.

Libra (September 22 — October 22): This week, you will decide to not celebrate Daylight Savings Time and save that extra hour of sleep for finals time.