Scorpio (October 23 — November 21): Lately, you have been causing people headaches and others will be left to be your Advil.
Sagittarius (November 22 — December 21): This week, your career options will leave you with a resume that is zanier than Kal Penn’s.
Capricorn (December 22 — January 19): Lately, you have had an odor of failure wafting around you. Either hit the stacks or hit the shower.
Aquarius (January 20 — February 18): This week, you won’t read this horoscope because you’rr tired of reading.
Pisces (February 19 — March 20): This week, you will make everyone look bad by hiring a publicist to make you look good.
Aries (March 21 — April 19): This week, you will fool your parents by telling them you got a job at Facebook thanks to those fancy @facebook.com accounts.
Taurus (April 20 — May 20): This week, you’ll be inspired to play Quidditch on the Arts Quad due to drinking after viewing the new Harry Potter film.
Gemini (May 21 — June 20):This week, you will work extra hard to get last minute errands done before Thanksgiving Break... to The Palms!
Cancer (June 21 — July 22): This week, you will be saddened to learn that you are not the next Queen of England.
Leo (July 22 — August 22): Lately, you may be intrigued by professional jugglers, but they still haven’t advanced to juggling on a Segway.
Virgo (August 23 — September 22): This week, a storm is coming. Or actually, you are going to the storm (substitute “storm” for “parents”).
Libra (September 22 — October 22): Lately, you’ve been so busy studying in the library that you thought a Four Loko was a new, hip slang term.