Haley gets tutored in Physics, and struggles while Alex mocks her for being stupid. Haley gets her back by retorting, “Are you familiar with the term ‘Dunphy, party of one’? Because you will be.” Getting into the car on the way to her cello lesson, Alex tells Claire that Haley might be better off in the Middle East. Claire runs back inside to get her shopping list and finds Haley on the couch making out with her tutor. Haley’s response? “What? We only do this when I get one right!”
Cam’s mom, Barb, has come to town, who he claims to be “the greatest woman who ever lived.” Mitchell feels uncomfortable around Cam’s mom because of the way she gropes him inappropriately. We see three hilarious flashbacks of a massage, a snuggle, and a big wet kiss between Mitchell and his mother-in-law.
Gloria wants Jay to come to the mall, but Jay claims he has stomach problems. Gloria admits she thinks Americans are babies for going to the doctor every time they get hurt or sick. She replaces her dislocated shoulder by slamming it into the wall.
Phil tells Alex she’ll be a cat lady when she grows up. Claire tells Haley she has to break up with Dylan after making out with Tutor Boy. Phil is upset because he loves Dylan and doesn’t want him to get hurt, so he tells the family the story of the time he was dumped in high school and accidentally cried about it over the school’s intercom system. Haley and Claire choke back laughter. Haley dumps Dylan over text message and he replies with a sad face emoticon. Phil claims he “can feel the hurt over the phone.”
Mitch confides in Claire about his discomfort with Cam’s mom, but Claire claims he’s always had boundary issues and that it might all be in his head. He can’t talk to Cam about it though because Cam can’t hear anything negative about his mother. In fact, Mitch says that on one occasion when he put salt in Barb’s casserole, Cam “went out to the garage and punched the car.” Claire tells Mitch that he needs to make Cam see his mom feeling him up in front of him so that Cam has to deal with it.
Dylans comes by to get his stuff and cries every time he see’s Haley’s picture, which is ntaturally everywhere.
Jay calls Manny for more WebMD advice, but pretends it’s work when Gloria walks in.
Phil comforts Dylan, telling him they were very similar when Phil was in high school, except, Phil says, “My hair was shorter and my guitar was a flute.” Phil agrees to go guitar shopping with Dylan. Dylan tries to exit through the window as an old habit.
Mitch comes home to Cam and his mom on the couch with Cam’s old yearbook. Mitch tries to show Cam how his mom feels him up, but she only does it when Cam’s not looking, and every time he looks back, it’s Mitchell making all the moves. In private, Cam asks Mitch why he’s coming on to his mom. Mitch tells Cam that his mom “squeezes and lingers,” and Cam claims he’s just uncomfortable because he’s never had an affectionate mother. Barb walks in when Mitch tells Cam she’s creeping him out. Cam tells Mitchell he stabbed his mom in the heart.
Phil and Dylan go out for ice cream after buying Phil a guitar. Phil admits to wearing a sweatshirt “a girl would wear to the beach,” but he takes it off and leaves in on the table when he goes to bathroom. Haley walks by while Phil’s gone and thinks Dylan is there with another girl.
Jay and Manny continue to look at WebMD because Jay is now in serious pain. Gloria yells at them again for being babies who rely on the Internet. After she’s gone, Jay tells Manny, “Give me fifteen minutes, then tell Florence Nightingale I went to the hospital.”
Haley walks in on Phil with his new guitar and Claire reading on the couch to announce screamingly that she is going to kill Dylan and his new girlfriend. Phil is upset that Dylan didn’t tell him about the girl and Claire tries to convince Haley again that Tutor Boy is the way to go.
Dylan shows up and swears he doesn’t have a new girlfriend, but when his phone rings and he doesn’t pick it up, Haley knows it’s a girl and calls her back. Of course, Phil picks up the phone as he walks downstairs in the ugly orange sweatshirt. Claire exclaims, “Wait, you’re the other girl!?” Haley wants to get back together, but Dylan tells her Phil helped him realize they should be apart. Claire is ecstatic.
At the hospital, Gloria continues to mock Jay for being a baby, but the doctor comes in and tells them Jay has appendicitis and needs surgery immediately. Gloria freaks out because she feels horrible for making Jay suffer for two whole days and almost killed him. Jay tells her it’s fine, but still, she keeps him from surgery in hysterics. As he is wheeled away, Gloria cries in fear that Jay is going to die. Jay wishes she would go back to not caring.
Through the door, Barb apologizes to Mitchell for touching him too much. Mitchell tells her it’s partially his fault too. Now that they are on good terms, Barb comes in the door to find Mitch in the bath. She drops her bracelet in the water and subsequently feels around Mitch’s bath to find it. Very uncomfortable, Mitch calls Cam and when Cam comes into the bathroom, he tells his mother she’s being inappropriate. Still, Cam takes a picture of his mother with Cam in the tub.
Haley tells Phil she misses Dylan. Sentimental moment of the episode: Phil finally comforts Haley like a real father.
Credits scene: Phil walks down the street in his orange sweatshirt while on the phone with Dylan. He passes a girl wearing the same sweatshirt, and pauses to finally throw his in the garbage.
Overall, this was a very predictable episode—feel good and funny, but nothing that had me rolling on the floor like most weeks.