Dear Women of the World,
I am now accepting applications for the position of lifetime soul mate. The first stage in the application process is the following flowchart, or what I like to call "The George Yorgakaros Wife-Finding Algorithm,” created to add some sort of objective process to help me find a wife.
The flowchart encompasses the most important attributes I look for in a potential life partner, ranked in order of importance. Every stage on the chart was carefully contemplated over.
It is important to note that some items are proxies for more general trends. A good example is the Star Wars segment – I don’t particularly care if you’ve seen those movies per se, but rather that you keep an open mind with your choice of entertainment and are open to new forms of it, as opposed to being constantly drawn to Sex and the City re-runs and movies like, well, Sex and the City.
Another example would be the cooking/baking questions. I ask these not because I am unable to cook or bake (I grew up in a family restaurant and any person that lives in my house would testify that I know my way around the kitchen), but rather that I really like to spend quality time in the kitchen.
If you happen to make your way through the entire flowchart and, after reading through my list of personal preferences feel that we’d be a good fit, please submit a resume and cover letter to email@example.com and we can arrange for a second round interview (read: date —I’ll even pay).
If you do not make it through the chart, please do not be offended — you and I are simply not meant to be. These are the things that are important to me and are not (and probably should not be) important to most other people.
I hope to hear from you soon.
Your Potential Future Husband,
P.S.: If you stopped at step one and said “does he mean Greek like in a sorority, or does he mean Greek like My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” I meant the latter. You can just go to “end” outright.