So, I lied. Remember that time I pretty much called out every guy I’ve slept with and revealed that, despite their alleged sexual prowess, they’ve never made me orgasm? Well, that was true; only one guy has ever made me come, and it’s only happened once (still). But I feel like I might have been a little misleading; that definitely wasn’t my first orgasm. I can attribute my foray into the muscle-clenching, heavenly world of orgasmic bliss to a really phenomenal night’s sleep.
It started out as just an average night, resting up for a 6 a.m. wake up call for first period high school biology. My sister and I shared a room, so we said goodnight and I innocently drifted off. My subconscious brought to life tantalizing fantasies of my high school baseball player crush. Or my football crush. Or that one that played soccer. In any case, whether I dreamed he was pulling my then-pink hair and sexily penning me against my locker or tutoring me in statistics, the end result was the most phenomenal sensation my little teenage body had ever experienced.
I woke up just as the glorious spasming was starting to taper off. My initial reaction (after my heartbeat slowed to normal and I loosened the grip on my comforter) was a combination of concern and confusion. To this day, I’m still not totally sure if I’m as theatrically loud when I come in my sleep as I am during my waking clit-induced climaxes, but I’m just going to hope that my sister didn’t get an earful of my warbling vocalizations. And although my 16 year-old self couldn’t say for sure, I was pretty positive I had just successfully gotten myself off with my mind. If I could control it, it would be the most awesome manifestation of telekinesis ever.
For those of you who haven’t found yourself spasming awake to the pulsations of your org-alarm, don’t give up hope yet. Nearly 40 percent of women experience sleep-related female orgasms (or S.R.F.O.s for those in-the-know) before the age of 45. Out of my friends surveyed, I’ve only come across one who has had a nocturnal orgasm. The rest of my test subjects had no idea that coming in your sleep was possible for a woman — a statistic that I associate with the fact that the topic goes almost entirely unaddressed in sexual education. Essentially, it’s the equivalent of a wet dream for a man — without the messy morning clean up — but, in typical female orgasm fashion, is far less common.
There are dozens of factors speculated to help explain why some women might unexpectedly reach their peak during the dead of night. According to Dr. Alfred Kinsey, a woman’s sexual experience is a good predictor of her frequency of midnight madness. So basically, the more sex you have (or the more you masturbate) the more likely you are to find yourself coming before daybreak. Additionally, women who were diagnosed as neurotic or suffered from anxiety won out in the long run with some stress-relieving, involuntary, orgasmic fun times. And if you know about the phenomenon of S.R.F.O.’s, you’re more likely to get lucky. So, the women who get laid, border on crazy and read this column are having the best wake-up calls ever. I’d personally recommend factoring in some time for regular reading of filthy romance novels before bed to set the stage for sex dreams. Works like a charm.
Even though I’m usually pregaming bedtime with a few “bitch fuels” at Ruloff’s, or wearing myself out in studio, my lack of truly restful sleep has yet to stand in between me and S.R.F.O.s. While Dr. Kinsey claims that the women who have the most sex are the ones who are blessed with effortless orgasms, I’d venture to say that the opposite might prove to be equally as susceptible to these nighttime surprises. Maybe the fact that I’m not getting any (but making up for it by living vicariously through horny fictional characters) means that my body just wants to cut me a break. I interpret the two (on average) sleep orgasms I have per month to be my coital consolation prize.
With that in mind, I think it’s probably nap time. Wish me luck.
The Preacher’s Daughter is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She may be reached at email@example.com. Decent Exposure appears alternate Thursdays this semester.