Girls, imagine the scene: It’s a Thursday and you’re in a crowded bar or frat, just trying to get your thirsty on. The night gets progressively later, you get progressively more shwasted (or whatever “cute” term you like to use for getting absolutely plastered). Finally, the D.J. starts to play something good, so you head to the dance floor. Yes freshmen, this will one day be you, if you haven’t already invited yourself to a Collegetown party where you didn’t know anyone. Anyway, you head to the dance floor to try to forget the 8:40 you had that morning.
Suddenly, your friend rolls her eyes counterclockwise, taps her right shoulder, rolls her tongue and slides to her left, signaling that there is a prowling guy behind you (that’s right girls, we know your “subtle” methods of communication). Completely understanding your friend’s signal, you pull out your phone to text “your mom” to let the guy know that “clearly” you are not interested. He doesn’t get it. He still hangs around. He never actually touches you, just dances a few inches behind you, mirroring your every movement. Clearly he knows what he wants, but he is either too afraid of getting one of your stiletto heels stomped through his tender heart, or he has one less testicle than a seven time Tour de France winner. Either way, he is content where he is and is just going to remain there, a few inches away, gyrating his hips in all sorts of maneuvers that would mortify his mother. Always a few inches away…
At least he isn’t touching you, right? Some women would think this is a plus, but they are wrong. As soon as he touches you, you can say “No!” “What the hell?” or “I have pepper spray!” Until then all you can do is avoid him, and let’s face it, that probably won’t work. Most guys are either stubborn or oblivious (actually, most are both). Soon despite your best avoidance tactics you probably just want to bump into him “by accident”, so you can scream in his face and send him running for home with his tail between his legs (and pepper spray in his eyes).
Guys, seriously, what is going on in your minds? (Ladies, I wish I could tell you, but I am not creepy, so I can only guess. His thoughts probably consist of parts of the female anatomy he once saw in a biology book before his teacher caught him looking at the reproduction chapter when he was supposed to be reading about ecology. I would guess there are also some really random tidbits floating around every once in a while too. So in between the mental pages of his high school biology book flashes a giant cookie, two seagulls, explosions and a baseball. Pretty much every guy has ADD.) Come on, guys, I know you are not that oblivious; you go to Cornell for a reason, after all. Really, what are you thinking? Not everything that walks wants to rub itself on you (I certainly don’t want to). Most of you are not gifts from God, despite what your mother tells you. There is a reason your brain is in your head. It’s close to your eyes so that you can see what is going on, internalize it, think about the situation unfolding in front of you and make the right decision before your genitalia drag you around. If our brains were in our hips we might not be having this conversation.
This disaster has to end. You give all of us upstanding gentlemen — who are actually respectful enough to ask if we can dance with a girl — a bad name. Please, stop being creepy, hiding in the shadows and watching, it’s strange and it makes girls uncomfortable. It makes me uncomfortable too, but for different reasons. When you go to a party, make sure you bring your Cornell I.D., driver’s license and your testicles that you keep in a jar by your bed. The rest of us don’t need to suffer from your ineptness and discourtesy. Maybe I am old fashioned or just haven’t hit puberty yet, but it seems to me that you should ask before you touch. Seriously, what is the worst that can happen if you ask? A girl can say “No, I don’t want to dance with you.” So you got rejected? Big deal. I guarantee there is more than one girl at the party you are at (if there isn’t, you go to the wrong kinds of parties and you should probably leave). There is someone out there who will let you dance with her, I promise. If you keep up with your crazy antics and some girl decides to taze you until you can smell your own hair burning, I might just dance for joy.
Will Spencer is a senior in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. He may be reached at email@example.com. Tripping Up Stairs appears alternate Thursdays this semester.